Monday, August 21, 2006

goodbye for a while! i will miss so many of you

Sunday, August 20, 2006

"That is quite nice. Did I tell you mine was stolen? There was a shady
suspect across the street when I discovered this, and I attempted to
follow
him on foot but he was too swift. Anyhow, a bunch of earthy anarchists
are
helping me build a new one. It's dark orange and will have fenders and
a
basket and a bell, very necessary. How have you been, anyway? Still
missing
everyone and everything? I hope not, you deserve some happiness and
deserve
to see some of the beauty in the world, it's all in your
writing...isnt' it?
I really want hashbrowns right now. Sorry my advice is only circles in
the
wind.

I'll call you soon."


leaving for portland tomorrow
not exactly awake, but desperate for change

Thursday, August 17, 2006

a little girl opened the door and she said pizza pizza pizza and her dad said no it's chinese food and she kept saying pizza and she said the pizza man was here and she asked if i had a kid and she kept asking and finally i just said yes and it made her happy

being done with the topic of genuine love, whether it be with friends, bombshells, or bronze (hunks), let us be enamored by all of that
romance

natural circumstances await!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dear article,
but don't you remember what it was like to be young? to have everything rely solely on one person, sunshine or no shine, high tide low tide crescent moon or no moon at all! love is love, and i've felt it and she's felt it and so has he but it isn't real?

i guess love defined in that way makes sense
but mature love doesn't sound passionate at all
that's what people really want don't they?
the passion, their silky skin against your cheeks wheenver you kiss them, the excitement of seeing them there in the morning, waiting on the doorstep just for you, the way you see them transcend what you defined as beauty back when you were young, the way they sat there and looked at you and looked over to the two men sitting next to you and said "i wonder what it's like to be them, to always talk about the same old bullshit and to never see the life the way we do..." and then you two would kiss and be happy and drive home, making out all the way,
and its dead
dead before you know it!

this is how teen love is defined, but i think it is very real. there are different types of love, and to judge any state of love when you are not presently in it is COMPLETELY unnecessary

because you aren't the one living it
and you aren't the one wondering

and in life, there are many relationships which involve love, friendships and more than friendships and less than friendships (these are difficult to maintain) and well, you can pick and choose your friends or let the chips fall where they may, which might be infinitely better, never regretting any action or circumstance, looking brightly ahead to the future where you can make many many people

very
complacent?
no. happy!
but can you really do that george?
no. maybe. yes. maybe. yes..but not alone.
definitely not alone, that's understandable.
but with the people you love now,

you promised them with every action that you would never stop loving them.
i never will
how can you say that when you don't even know the future?
what kind of question is that

"Are You Really In Love??

Being in love is a powerful feeling. The emotions are intense. It is so exciting that it may be hard to concentrate on school, work, or family responsibilities. Sometimes people confuse real love with the possessive love seen on TV or in the movies. They believe that love is only love at first sight. But real, mature love takes time to develop. Many teens believe they are in love. They may be in love in an immature way.

Sometimes teens or adults in love give up all their friends. They stop doing activities they enjoy. Some have jealous partners that never let them be alone or with another person. They are jealous any time their loved one talks to another person. Others are forced to do things they do not want to do. Some have an abusive lover. These are unhealthy relationships, not love. There is a saying that "love is blind." What we think is love may distort our ability to see the real relationship.

Mature love lets you be you. People in mature love have common interests, and are honest with each other. People who share mature love do not see the other person as the solution to their problems. They see the other person as a wonderful gift. They spend time with each other's families and friends. Mature love relationships do not cause people to give up their values. This kind of love rarely develops in the teen years.

When a love relationship ends, it is common to feel loss and sadness. Most people find another love relationship later, as they learn more about themselves and others. If you or someone you know is coping with a loss of love or is in an unhealthy relationship, suggest they talk to a counselor or healthcare provider."
--------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

a horse three miles high looked down my little girl today. instead of being scared, all she did was make "boink" noises, and pressed against the horse's nose. i was very proud, to say the least...

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

paul sipped from his cup of peyote tea, huddled alone in his bedroom, under a blanket, flashlight burying his face, thinking about how he isn't wrong about this, there is something worth searching for, and as he does all this there's a girl sitting in her room thinking:

when does he think about me?

and she brings him groceries sometimes you know. and she hugs him and kisses him and tries to spend time with him, and all he does is kiss back sometimes and tell her that he loves her, but when it comes to these lonely situations, he isn't there.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
and there are those people that sit straight across from us in the puffball of life, looking desperately at us, waving shouting yelling crying their eyes out, and all we do is just sit there and look ahead aimlessly

and for people with much bigger brains and severely less filthier minds, i give you this:

a beautiful painting of the most extravagant peach tree you have ever seen, marie dancing with her silky white parasol, rays of sunshine beam brightly on her cheeks, in them you see pure light, around her an aura expelling love and fragility, josie in the kitchen cutting the stems off strawberries, she remembers how those are your favorite, she brings them out for you without you even having to ask, you kiss her with everything you have every time she does that because what if one day marie grew up and the strawberry girl with the wavy brown hair isn't there anymore?

after i left the jailhouse, bronson and jonesy were waiting outside, they forced my head upon their giant phalluses, pounding the back of my throat until my eyeballs bulged out of their sockets and just straight fell out of my head. jonesy offered to buy me dinner afterwards, and bronson just laughed. lightning came out of the sky and struck them both,

and afterwards, lightning decided to stick his phallus in my throat too. the lousy fucking cocksucker (which i guess would be me), i told him to fuck off and to give me some money and at that he got very upset and started crying and i told him listen baby i still love you but you gotta be a man, just be a fucking man about it, okay?

(everyone has the potential to be as filthy as possible)

i talked to a girl i knew a long time ago, who i (fucked) and ran away with, and finally, there is closure to a situation that i've been avoiding forever. she's getting married soon, and i don't think i'm going to the wedding but at least she invited me. that was nice of her. long years of insecurity,vanished when she told me how she felt about all of it

"life is tricky. what happened? did you really do that george? god you have to stop being so paranoid about that, i'm sorry i did what i did, but it wasn't you." and she said she owed me a hug and a kiss on the forehead, like she always used to do, and it made me happy.

so now i awake happy, a surreptitious snake dancing in blades of grass, (could that be dom instead?), hang the light skinned men out by that tree over there, teach THEM a lesson, kill all the men who take from the goddesses and never give back, smile brightly and your sunshine, arms wrapped around her torso, holding her head back and not even touching her lips, wait just one second, stare deep into her eyes and then nose touches and cheeks touch and lips dance all over the place, cheeks puffed up afterwards smiling being cute catching that innocence and blending it with pleasure

(i'm at peace now, things are just beginning and i am at peace finally thank GOD, i can actually trust myself to not linger arouunnd)

ellery, my veteran friend gave me some great advice:
"that's sad... MAN UP"

and so,
in terms of the right choices in life, i will

surely you must have envisioned this, mr. landlord. punch him up until he pays the rent, they'll say.

Monday, August 14, 2006

If anything makes the transition easier, it's that Dasha has grown to be about five foot eleven, and I have shrunk to about five foot four. Looking at this giant of a woman, I feel no previous attachment.

i'm glad blaise is back in town.

in which she said why and what if

and once again, all i could do was sigh

Saturday, August 12, 2006

so much depends
upon

a red wheel
barrow

glazed with rain
water

beside the white
chickens.

--------------------
the other day william and i got lunch together, and i told him my dilemma of not being able to see the beauty in things sometimes, that i would read his poems and understand everything he was trying to say but at times i would just give up on life, i didn't know why i couldn't see the beauty in such simplicity, i would get so frustrated, a complete lack of sincerity and passion, and i yelled at him, i fucking yelled at william carlos williams, and he said, "goddamn it man, eat your fish, it's getting cold. here, i'll eat it."

and so,
a master poet who i have idolized for a very long time,
ate my fish.

and afterwards he said,
"listen, i know what you're going through. life is tough, but never give up. and don't let people who look up to you or look next to you or people that just love you give up either. people see something in you, a bright light that can shine love and beauty on everyone. you're an artist, so stop moping around and keep things simple, okay? don't move too fast but don't move too slow. your life hasn't even begun yet..."

and with that he got up, strolled over to the door, tipped his hat, and walked away never to be seen again. i thought to myself, "sometimes i wonder about him," slowly realizing that william did not leave a cent for his part of the bill

it has been noted that she is an absolute wonder, unexplainable and unavoidable in his life, popping in and out of the ultimate storyline, the protagonist never knowing when she'll be around next. he calls her sometimes, adonis to goddess, asking her for advice, her never really having any except

she listens. and they tell jokes together which they both find quite silly and humorous. these two share a heart and soul connection which many people search their entire lifetimes to find. and all of his friends wonder why he is so unhappy, he has several of these connections on varying levels, he is a good reader of people, knows what makes people tick, a beautiful reflection in a glimmering pond, look down into the puddle and all you can see is a beautiful sky -

they talked about brushing their teeth and how sometimes you feel your mouth is filthier than usual and you just brush and brush and brush and your teeth would just feel FANTASTIC, tiny dancers playing in the seattle superfountain, getting wet and getting food all over themselves, not caring because they aren't the ones that are hungry...

and later,
later on in this boy's life

his good friend asked him, "are you really mildly schizophrenic, even when you're not tripping?"

and he didn't know how to answer.

Friday, August 11, 2006

the acid helped. i envisioned starman in the sky for quite a while, convulsing and crying pounding the earth and laughing endlessly questioning everything we possibly could and be perfectly okay with it, the only time we were scared was when the moon would punch us in the face

Thursday, August 10, 2006

the most heartbreaking thing dasha has ever done is when i touched her arm one day with my finger tips and she jerked away and looked at me like i was the creepiest person in the world

the most beautiful thing she has ever done was to bring christmas into my life, all year round. i really miss that

in which the adonis said be wicked, and the gem said be luminous, both sides never coming to the right conclusion. i would like to find something special, real real soon

in

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

the shadows are creepiest this late at night

i've decided to never smoke anything again. at least not cigarettes (forever and i mean it)

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

i stayed up all night driving until the moon became orange and when it disappeared i decided to go home

(nobody needs to know what i was thinking that entire time. i'm afraid people think i'm more crazy as each day goes by.)

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Laura would do this thing where she would ask me how many fingers she was holding up, and I would tell her, and she would keep doing that over and over until she would put her hand behind her back and I would guess some number and she would show me her fist and say, "Ohh, zero," and then playfully punch me in the face.

And we went to the Phoenix Science Center and just played. We went to the art museum and saw dangling fireflies in a room filled with mirrors and darkness. There was another room there with just a projector shining a light on the wall and we just stared and stared and laid down and punched each other and looked at each other and looked how happy that room made everyone and we left the museum quite happy.

Except the weather was bad and the concrete was unlevel.

The real point of this post is just memories of times that I absolutely miss and it's only been a week. Everything in the future matters and I feel like we're just wasting time not going for it. More life experiences, more talk, less idle chatter and drug-use and cigarettes and cuts on my eyebrow blood blood blood in my hair down my face my head feels light and everyone is gone. The alcohol isn't sinking in my mind is shaking I'm shaking crazy unadulterated colors drink from the spring of life it's amazing Gulliver, just live forever and ever, blind as a bat, shapeless and colorless zest creeping in at every corner. Huge spiders in Seattle, trapping them in tupperware and throwing water at them while they struggled to not be flushed down.

And we just laid there, looking up at a sky we knew was beautiful, through a tree that was sharing the warm summer wind, initials carved in its torso, dreaming with words and ideas, talking about who we were and who we won't be. I was happy, talking about the future with someone I love, wishing each other the absolute best, knowing life would be better if we just

I don't know.

I'm still confused and my head is really throbbing. I have so many questions to ask but I know it will be better to just live life the way I want to. I've started to tear down the walls of the invisible chambers but it's only the beginning. The waiting is the hardest part.

I came home last night to drunks and stoners, they were with my sister, I didn't mind, I was just tired from the long drive home. The whole time I was wondering where love goes when it just disappears like that, or where it stays when it still exists but it just cannot happen. Who dictates these rules? I feel like if I just tore down every rule about love in existence and just did whatever I wanted, just kidnap people who are doomed to be unhappy and put them with people that will make them happy, a very lovely Christmas shared by all of us, put down in the journal and into the photobooks, that I would finally feel fulfilled.

But that week in Arizona was very fulfilling, and really, the best week I've ever had.

The week after that I drove to Seattle and just got back two days later because my best friend Alan went to visit his girlfriend and she broke up with him the second night we were there. We did go to a Beatles and Led Zeppelin laser light show, which was very fantastic and I wish Laura could've been there, but it wasn't enough. Seattle had a dreary color scheme and a portly city theme and a lot of people with no dreams and well, the clouds there were nonexistant. Nothing was enough in Seattle. Fuck Seattle. I say that because u-turns are illegal there.

"George went to Washington. Hahahahahaha" - Laura the bear (coal MINER)

Midway through the drive up and midway through the drive down we found ourselves in a state called Oregon. Oregon, which is called the "trees and old people state", didn't quite live up to our Californian taste, so we decided to come back and destroy it. But the air is nice, and the people were actually very nice, so maybe we should rethink that.

A week before Seattle, and then another week before that I went to Las Vegas. The part that made me the happiest was playing pool with my sister and my mom and seeing how happy my mom was when she won. Nothing else about that stupid city mattered.

About two years and three months before that I met who I felt for a strong while was the love of my life. We didn't quite get to two years before we decided it wasn't working out. I don't think I decided anything, and I had a very bizarre way of showing how I felt. I look back on everything with remorse even though that is a bad way of doing things, it makes me feel better in some strange way. I feel like a kite with a thousand knots in its string, and finally someone decided to come along and just let me loose. I feel like I'm happy, unlimited choices and unlimited breeze, but I'm just confused. I never really cried once during those two years, except when she told me she had cheated on me (but that didn't really matter in the long run), and I never really thought about anything. I was the one that actually decided to stop this relationship, as the talk of marriage and commitment was very scary.

Two years three months and four days from today, I looked at Dasha while we swung from a bench held up high by a hill with quite charming splendor. I kissed the top of her head and said "your hair tastes like cardboard". I laughed and she laughed and probably thought I was a jerk, but I didn't care at all. A few weeks into our relationship we stopped at a traffic light and I told her she looked like Richard Nixon in the moonlight. One time at a St. Patrick's Day Festival we rode the tiniest train imaginable, and we all looked like fools but we were happy about it. Funnel cakes made the transition easier.

What really bothers me is this:
Is it all really worth it? I've decided over and over again no, a relationship that is more than just platonic but less than completely sexual is the perfect balance. I found that with my friend in Arizona and it made me happier than anything. But when you have the second one too soon, it seems to obliterate everything. I had the first, more than just platonic, learning about a person for two years and now I feel like the snowglobe that all those memories were stored in was just thrown against a wall and all I can do is either be upset or walk over to the wall and start cleaning everything up. And I have, I'm working on it desperately, but with what happened with Alan, one of my closest friends confused and lifeless, nothing truly makes sense.

Except that I do want to spend Christmas with all of my closest friends and family. And I do want to marry that special person one day, and it does make me happy to think about it but it makes me happier to know that I don't have to worry about it until it happens. I'm more than complacent, I'm infinitely better than that. I have hopes and dreams, realistic and optimistic, and I have people that know me inside and out.

I'm going to be famous someday, I don't care how famous, I just want people to listen with enthusiasm to what I might have to say. And I'll do the same for them.

-george

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Amelia the ant visited me at my beehive tonight when the stars were out and our spirits were smiling in harmony. She spoke of how delicate life is and how we need to do amazing things because that is what we were meant to do. She told me that she had no idea what it was yet, but that she didn't care at all. And I didn't either.

But it was the quest for honey, for picnics, for warm summer breezes that don't turn out to be duststorms, for wishy washy blankets, for shooting stars, for the little bugs that crawl all over us looking for a place to sleep, it was all of this that put us in a state that was infinitely better than just complacency.

On a side note, I called Laura the bear just now and I'm glad she only wanted to talk for three minutes because I have no idea where the fucking honey is.

Washington tomorrow with dollar bills and broken glass. Laser light shows and lots of pictures! Let's go!