i feel like my best friend has been disappearing from me the more i see her
the more we talk
the less destined to create we become
its just the whole heart complex

i need the old you back for a little bit. just for one goddamn second, just so i can breathe again. who are you california? do you have people waiting for me

mold has infiltrated my lungs. cya in 2038

OFFICIAL SUX 2 BE BLOG cuz u aINT bein UPDATed agGAin 4 monTHZ!

What You're Supposed to Do in Vegas When You're Young

(loosely based on setting exercise - casino)

“Put that goddamn book down already. We have to be at the show in an hour.”

Porcupine and Dandelion had flown into Las Vegas that afternoon and had spent the majority of the evening relaxing after their flight and fooling around. Porcupine was a firm believer in having sex after a long day of traveling. Dandelion would ask why and a crooked smile would appear on his face. He would never answer verbally, only with long passionate swoons and outstretched arms that would touch Dandelion all over.

In this scenario however, Porcupine was quite obviously ready to talk about sex as he was reading a book entitled “Thirty Nine Positions You've Never Even Heard Of”. He had been reading it on the plane and would nudge Dandelion with his elbow asking her if she wanted to try “the Sparrow” or the “five finger discount” and Dandelion would always laugh and tell him to “put that goddamn book away.” When Dandelion said it this time though, Porcupine didn't reply right away.

“Porcupine! We have to get dressed, put on your new shirt!”

“Starfish, did you know that tail-bones are actually our friends? I had no fucking idea. Imagine, tail bones.”

“You're such an idiot. At least put on something, you can't wear that Mickey Mouse shirt wherever we go. Don't you want to be high class?”

“Baby, I'm the one from dreamworld. Where are you from again? Shinnipeg, Canatoba? Great birthplace, nerd-o.”

Dandelion pouted her lips in defeat and ran over to the bed Porcupine was laying on and gave him several mini-punches. This punchy dynamic has existed between couples since the beginning of time. The male would usually pin the female's wrists down to the ground and then let her escape to try and pin him down. He would then usually let her win and allow for her to keep punching him. Eventually, however, the females decided to punch harder and harder and so men would bite their lips and keep quiet that they were actually being hurt and that they didn't want to be punched anymore. One time Dandelion asked Porcupine what a “dead arm” was and begged and begged for him to give her one until he punched her in the arm with his knuckle and told her that's what it was. She feigned tears afterwards and got sushi out of it. In situations like these, females seem to have the upper hand as men have no idea how to react.

Porcupine put his book down after smooching a bit and having his usual after-smooch cigarette. He had recently begun logging the amount of cigarettes he smoked because it helped put his mind at ease when he would go a long while without one. Conversely, it would wreck his mind and worry him to bits whenever the daily number was high. Dandelion thought this was foolish as it mostly gave the both of them a headache. She also thought it was funny that he never logged the times he fooled around or masturbated as this number seemed astronomical to any other statistic. He would wave her off. Tonight's cigarette tasted of wood chips.

Porcupine put on the maroon button up shirt that he had bought in the hotel lobby a few hours before. He said that it reminded him of hilarity, so he wanted to get it right away. Dandelion had bunched her curly blond hair into a bun and put on a white fluffy dress that made her look like a cream puff. This was Porcupine's favorite outfit of hers. When Dandelion would make love to him in it, he would pretend he was eating a case of marshmallows. Dandelion pretended she was a hot air balloon and father wind was filling her up for a birthday party.

They left the room and went downstairs to fetch a taxi to the hotel where their show was. While riding in the elevator, they saw a mother and a baby in a stroller. The baby had dark rings around his eyes and his hair jutted out in all directions. They both looked tired.

Porcupine whispered into Dandelion's ear, “I think that baby was doing heroin all night, my god.”

Dandelion laughed and rubbed her face in Porcupine's neck. They would pretend to be heroin babies that night, but not until they were done with the show. The mother waltzed out of the elevator oblivious to what the newly-adults were giggling about and the two followed until the mother turned left when they had to turn right.

Dandelion didn't care for casinos much and even the walk through the lobby to fetch a taxi bothered her. There was a feint stench of human sweat and misery in the air that choked her spirit whenever she walked by. The ding-a-ling slot machines were rewarding human achievement in luck and punishing those with a taste for flashing lights and a multitude of complementary beverages. Withered faces were the norm for Las Vegas, a physical feature unaffected by age. Kids looked like adults and adults looked like corpses.

“Do you think you ever want to play some dice or something when we're drinking?” Porcupine mused.

“I'll just have my Tom Collins and be on my way thank you very much. No need to stick around and wallow in swamp water.”

Porcupine loved that about Dandelion. She was from small town Altona, a rural farming town around Winnipeg, but acted as if she were from Manhattan. She would request that Porcupine drink Godfathers over strawberry spritzers at the martini bar, and though Porcupine would act cute and get her to relent, she would demand it every time they went out. She also enjoyed talking as if she were in the pictures during lovemaking, an ode to Audrey Hepburn and Marilyn Monroe she would say. This made Porcupine laugh even more because they hated the both of them. Couples are often strange with what attracts them and makes them giggle to themselves. It's a secret to the world but perfectly clear to lovebirds.

While they were in line waiting for their taxi a woman with withered hands and a turban came by and asked the two of them if they wanted their fortunes told. Dandelion nodded her head wildly and Porcupine pulled out his wallet to give the woman a dollar. The fortune teller pulled out a scrap of paper and began scribbling on it, asking them questions like where they were from and how old their parents were. Porcupine lied and said he was from Oklahoma but in reality he was born in San Francisco. He also said his parents were co-founders of Disneyland, Paul and Maul Disney. Dandelion told the truth happily though she wished inside that her parents weren't farmers in reality. She entertained the idea that they were zebras instead for a moment.

The fortune teller finished her fortune and handed it to Dandelion. She read it aloud.

“You will be very rich and successful. You will live a long, love-filled life. All of your dreams will come true through determination.”

She slipped the fortune into her bra for safekeeping.

Porcupine opened the door of the taxi, told the driver to take them to the Diamond Flake Casino where Glory the show was playing, and nodded to Dandelion in approval.

“Even though those fortunes are all the same, I think that woman is on to something. Geld is definitely in your future. Geld geld geld.”

Ever since Porcupine had learned Dandelion was of German descent, he spent a lot of his waking moments studying German and saying nonsensical phrases aloud. His favorite was, “Du bist ein sauerbraten,” which to him meant “You are a weiner!” Words like weiner had made Porcupine giggle since he was a little kid. He had decided not to mature in that way growing up, or at least not for now.

“I'm so excited for this show, Porcupine. Topless dancers, my god.”

Porcupine looked out the window with an arm around Dandelion and kissed the top of her head. The hotels outside were so flashy and bright and extravagant. He tried to cock his head upwards to try and find the tops of each building but all of them seemed endless. A Mexican street worker was wearing a big green sign that said, “GIRLS DIRECT 2 U” and was throwing cards at their taxi with pictures of prostitutes and their phone numbers on them.

“Maybe one day we can be girls direct to you, Dandelion, doesn't that sound nice?”

Dandelion was still feeling punchy so she punched him in the arm and gave him a fake squinting at.

The taxi pulled up to the Diamond Flake show entrance and the two of them got out of the car. One of the cuffs of Porcupine's pants got caught in the door on the way out and he stumbled to the ground. Up until this point, he had remained very slick for their vacation. This sudden coolness was in most ways on purpose.

Dandelion laughed. “There goes the baby.”

Porcupine got up quickly and started to dance. He felt the gin and tonics that they had had earlier making his stomach warm. “Got the tickets, babe?”

“Yeah, they're in my purse. I wouldn't lose them.”

“I can always count on you.”

They walked down the red carpet entrance waving and dancing for their fans and waited to be seated. Porcupine's parents had bought him front row tickets to a topless revue for his 21^st birthday and insisted that he take Dandelion around. When Porcupine's mother argued against it his father had this to say: “It's what all the kids these days are doing, honey. You just don't understand what it's like to be young.”

The usher stuck his arm out in front him and said, “Right this way ladies.”

This sort of real-time gender confusion was a common occurrence for Porcupine. For one thing, he wasn't very tall, maybe an inch or two taller than Dandelion, and for another, he was incredibly feminine looking. His hair was long and black with curls at the tips and his physique was his body was not all that muscular. In fact, the longer he grew his hair out he noticed, the less women would actually hit on him and the more men would try. This made him uncomfortable though he could laugh it off. He found solace in Dandelion thinking he was handsome.

The usher led them to a table right next to the stage. This had surprised Porcupine; he had never watched a show from a table before. Apparently, this was what happened in Vegas.

They sat down and immediately Porcupine began laughing to himself and pushed his face into Dandelion's neck to keep quiet. A boy their age, about twenty-one or so, was on the other side of the table idling wide-eyed with his parents. He had a full glass bottle of beer in his hands, and whenever he would take a drink he would look over to his parents to see if it was okay. The thought of seeing soft-core pornography drunk with your parents was a riot to Porcupine and while he was whispering this to Dandelion she laughed and thought it was a riot as well.

Glory boasted the use of one million sequins in costume production. As the show started, hundreds of girls came out wearing nothing but sparkling silver underwear and enormous pink feathery crowns. Porcupine downed a few beers with lime while Dandelion tried a few Blue Hawaiis. She stuck out her tongue and asked, “Is my tongue blue?”

It was but Porcupine replied, “No, it's perfectly fine.”

The show was a half naked parody of several important events in Biblical history. The first act, Samson and Delilah, featured a long-haired Hercules of a man being coaxed by the topless temptress queen. Porcupine thought of Dandelion's religious parents and poked her stomach while she laughed.

“Wouldn't it be crazy if old Marianne and Frank were here watching what we were doing? They'd fucking flip their lids.”

“Porcupine, could you not mention my parents' names while we're watching a topless show? Thanks.”

“What the fuck's the matter? Joe Handsome across from us seems to be okay with it.”

Dandelion laughed and winced at the thought of her mother in the audience having a male dancer's crotch gyrating in her direction. She also imagined her father Frank trying to participate in one of these shows, but could not imagine where exactly the sequins would appear. Perhaps his favorite pair of boxers she thought to herself.

As the show ended and Porcupine and Dandelion grew tired of the novelty of watching dancers perform nude for them Dandelion started to feel bad for the girls on stage.

“Porcupine, don't you think it's sorta sad that the girls all have a fake smile on?”

“How do you think the men feel? Do you think they enjoy being dolled up and meat-heady?”

“Seriously though. We need to get out of here, this is too much, I can't handle it.”

Dandelion took Porcupine by the hand before the curtain call and waltzed him out of the showroom. Joe Handsome tried waving goodbye but nobody seemed to notice.

They walked past another smoky hotel lobby, with its frantic sirens and jingling and chip shuffles. The sound of dice hitting the felt and cards being mucked into piles irked Dandelion in her drunkenness. She kissed Porcupine on the cheek and said, “Get me the hell home sailor, I'm tired.”

They got into a taxi and Porcupine told the driver to head back to the hotel they were staying at as Dandelion fell asleep with her head on Porcupine's chest. Porcupine could smell the liquor on her breath and thought of ways he could pick the cotton off of her candied body. If anyone could see into the perverse fantastical world of sexuality that consumed Porcupine's mind, he felt for sure that he would be stoned and caned. The thoughts left him as they pulled up to their hotel.

The cab fare came to nineteen dollars and sixty five cents. Porcupine, being the high roller that he was, threw the driver a twenty in his drunken stupor and proudly proclaimed, “Keep the change!”.

As soon as the taxi pulled away and Porcupine dragged Dandelion into the hotel lobby, Dandelion began kicking and screaming and pulled Porcupine's face toward hers.

“I LOST MY PURSE! WE NEED TO GO BAACK!”

Porcupine's heart sank into his stomach. He had been expecting a moderately pleasant end to his evening, one consisting of bubble baths and raspberry-lotion massages. He flipped through his wallet, unable to concentrate on anything in particular, and gave her his room key.

“I'll figure it out honey. You just go upstairs and go to bed, I'll fix everything I swear.”

Dandelion grabbed the key and stumbled off to the elevator without saying a word while Porcupine found himself standing in a smoky hotel lobby without the faintest idea of where to begin his search. He saw a man who shared his Asian descent at the front desk and felt that he could help him out.

“Listen man, I have a fucking emergency! My girlfriend left her purse in cab and I don't know what to fucking do. You gotta help me!”

The man cocked his head sideways as if talking to a crazy person and said softly,

“Sir, there are twenty taxi services in the entire city. Do you remember which service you used?”

“Fuck if I know! Give me all their phone numbers, I'll call all of them!”

Porcupine was unready for this but was willing to dial numbers until dawn to get sweet Dandelion's purse back.

“Sir, that's practically impossible. What color was the cab, do you remember?”

Porcupine remembered the bullseye on the taxi's trunk.

“Red, I think. I think it was red.”

“Checkers? Does that ring a bell?”

“Yeah, checkers, exactly!” Porcupine had no idea.

The man walked into the back room and stayed there for a few minutes. It seemed like an eternity for Porcupine, who had very little faith in the man who shared his common ancestry.

“Some help,” he murmured to himself impatiently.

Finally the man came back with a piece of paper and a pen.

“Sir, if you'd write your room number and telephone number we'd be happy to give you a call if the purse shows up.”

“Fuck, man. You're so fucking great. Let me give you a hug.”

Porcupine tried to hop the desk to give the man a hug but the man carefully pushed him aside.

“Sir, I can't do that but thank you. Can I help you to your room?”

Porcupine left without responding and stumbled up the elevator back to the sixteenth floor and walked to his room. He realized when he got there that he had given Dandelion the key and was locked out. He knocked heavily on the door yelling, “Dandelion! Dandelion are you in there? I need to come in! Dandelion!!”. He stood there for about fifteen minutes knocking and hollering until he sat on the floor with his hands in his face feeling like a failure. He stumbled back downstairs and met with the same man at the desk.

“Chan, you gotta fucking help me, I'm locked out of my room!”

“Sir, my name is Walter.”

“Okay, Walter, Chan, fuck, it's all the same, it's all family man.

“Do you need a new room key?”

“What did I fucking say?”

“No need to be hostile, sir. What's your name?”

Porcupine slammed his fist on the desk. “Porcupine Sangria.”

The man typed something into his computer and sighed.

“Sir, the name is under Stanley Sangria, is that a relative of yours?”

“Yeah, my father, why?”

“Well, I can't let you in without Mr. Stanley actually being here, I'm sorry.”

Porcupine let out a loud yell.

“So you mean I have to sleep in the hotel lobby? You gotta be fucking kidding me! Let me talk to your manager, I want to talk to your supervisor right fucking now! You ingrate, after all we've been through!”

The man looked puzzled and walked into the back room again. When he returned Porcupine was feeling a bit sorry and felt his limbs hurting. He just wanted to go to bed at this point.

“I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry for yelling at you. I just had to find my girlfriend's purse and I didn't know what to do and I'm just so so sorry. Can you let me up please?”

“It's fine sir.” He had to pry Porcupine off the desk to avoid another hug attempt. “Well this is what I'll do for you. I'll send a security officer up and you go into the room and give him something with your name on it and that should be that. He's up there waiting for you now, have a good night sir.”

The man left without saying anything else, and Porcupine stumbled back upstairs mumbling curses on Dandelion in the meantime.

“If she didn't leave her goddamn purse in the cab I wouldn't be in this mess.”

The security officer was waiting and unlocked the door. Porcupine went in, rummaged through his things, found a passport in his daze and showed it to the officer. He gave Porcupine the clear and shut the door behind him. Porcupine sighed, sat on the table in their room and looked at Dandelion.

She was sleeping loudly with her hand covering a piece of paper she had stuck to her face. Porcupine started to feel very upset that he murmured bad things under his breath about her, thought that his angel had written out an apologetic note for him when he returned. He walked over, gently pried her fingers off of her face, and opened up the note.

This is what it said: “You will be very rich and successful. You will live a long, love-filled life. All of your dreams will come true through determination.”

Porcupine clenched his teeth, shook Dandelion and tried to wake her up. She replied with a snore. He laughed at what he was doing, did a few spins and jumping jacks, and turned off the lights and got into bed. He laid there looking at Dandelion for a while, wondering if she would even remember what happened, that she wouldn't even be aware when she woke up. He began to curse under his breath again.

“You fucking bitch, Dandelion. I swear to god, I do all this shit for you, take you to Vegas, get you tickets to a show, book this goddamn hotel, and what do I get? A sleeping harlot that refuses to get up to let me in the room! Well I've had it, I've had it with you! I don't care if they call me back about the purse, I don't care!”

Dandelion still did not respond. Porcupine was more upset at this than anything.

“I'm sorry, honey. I'm so sorry I couldn't get the purse back. I'll try in the morning, I swear, I'll dial a hundred numbers if I have to, I just don't know what to do right now. I feel so stupid and sleepy.”

At that moment the phone rang and Porcupine picked it up. The voice on the other line was feminine and more gentle than any voice he could remember. This was not very many voices due to his drunkenness.

“Hello, is this Mr. Porcupine?”

“Yes, who is this?”

“This is Sandra from the front desk. We found your purse, you can pick it up in the morning.”

Porcupine smiled wide and lifted his arms in the air triumphantly.

“Thank you so much! You have no idea how much of a help you were, thank you, thank you.”

He hung up the phone and looked back at Dandelion. He pulled her hands to his and kissed her fingers and wrapped his arms around her while she slept. As the night crept by Porcupine found himself unable to speak anymore about the situation, and though he wanted to shake Dandelion until she woke up to give her the good news, he thought better of it and fell asleep.

When the two woke up the next morning, Dandelion stretched her arms cheerfully and said to a half-conscious Porcupine,

“So, what happened last night?”