It's so hard to do though. I keep finding myself going back to her in my thoughts. Our relationship was playful and complex and intimate. I feel like I just spent the last two years dreaming. I forgot what crying was like. We would fight a lot, I remember.

And now she has a boyfriend and even though we wanted to stay friends I can't help but be upset whenever he's mentioned. I know she likes him, and he seems like a good guy, I just can't focus. I picked up the stuffed animals in her room and I forgot who they were. I still feel like I'm in a dream. The drugs aren't helping any, and the cigarettes are finally getting to my lungs.

She was different from other girls - she had charm and grace and a way of laughing that always seemed to make everything okay. I have to stop thinking about this. My emotions keep exploding whenever I'm alone and I can't help it. I drive myself into a corner and I never see the other possibilities. No, Dasha isn't the only reason I'm upset. I'm lost in my own head, still thinking I'm not in control of any circumstance life throws at me. I'm gaining weight rapidly and my mood has been terrible. I can't sleep well anymore, I find myself smoking myself to sleep at eleven just to knock myself out by midnight. I woke up at five this morning, tossing in my bed, coughing and struggling to breathe. It's not that bad actually, but it's still something that happens.

It's not that Dasha was the only person keeping me happy. She was just the only one I saw myself still being with the rest of my life. She made me feel safe and loved and important. I felt the most creative whenever I was with her. I could make her laugh, and I could brighten her day, and that was the only thing that mattered to me with her. And I did make mistakes, I made a lot, but I always wanted to treat her like a princess, because she was. She was my fucking princess, and it makes me sick to think that she isn't anymore. I hate saying that she was someone I could fall back
on because it wasn't like that. She's just someone I love and want to keep loving, but every day she's with another person, she drifts further and further away. I found myself going to her house at one in the morning just because she got high and her boyfriend was drunk and I wanted to make sure she got home okay. She's still one of my closest friends and we still share an intimacy that only best friends can share, which really does mean the world to me. It's just that in terms of loving someone passionately, affectionately, I can't see myself with anyone else. She was really the only person I ever actually could see myself with. But I played with her emotions, and this is what is happening.

So I preach "love your neighbor, and treat your girl like a princess", and it does lead to some sort of misery eventually, but it's just something you have to overcome. I'm not going to stop being friends with her and I'm not going to stop loving her the way that I do because I know she really won't ever leave my life. No one you ever care about really leaves. I still do talk to Teresa occasionally, and I'm sorry that I'm high whenever Blaise calls me, and I guess those two are the only other ones that I'll probably always keep in touch with. Love can play tricks on people, and it can mess with your emotions like crazy, and I think it is best that way. Life would be boring otherwise. I'm still going to bring Dasha a smoothie on hot days and flowers on sad days and friendship on every day. We all have our secret pains that we have to
deal with and not talk about.

To everyone (as of late):
I'm sorry I haven't been active. Dom would probably say that I'm just being myself, because we are always ourselves. I'm just myself when I'm lonely right now. I love all my friends dearly, and I wish I could be more talkative and energetic all the time, but I can't. I'm CURSED as a writer! I still do like hanging up on Teresa
whenever I say something stupid or whenever I feel the conversation is going awry, because she is the only one that lets me do it without getting mad at me. I still like calling up Dasha and saying nothing and having an understanding between us that we're friends for chrissakes and it's okay. I like it when Blaise
calls and tells me things are going well for him. I like smoking pot with Dom and Alan and Troy, and I'm starting to hate smoking pot with anyone else because it makes me less talkative. I loved acid thinking back on it but hated it when I was on it. I am still as inquisitive as ever. I am interested in everyone and it makes me happy to discover warmth in other people. I just feel like a big part of me died over the last
couple of months and I don't know what to do about it. It's hard to replicate two years of genuine love and compassion just like that. It's hard to stop crying thinking about it, and I know everything is actually okay and I'm being stale as usual. I just hope I don't stay like this forever. It's been nineteen years and I'm
still the fucking same.

On a side note,
a man came in yesterday with some coins that had been flattened on some railroad tracks. He was extremely boyish and wore a toolbelt and talked about the coins as if they were the most wonderful things he had ever seen. And the fact that he probably flattened them himself made them that much more important to him. He spoke genuinely, his eyes constantly glistening. I want to find that kind of peace in my life.

Nothing makes me more happy than writing. Making other people happy fills me with joy. I miss singing "You are my Sunshine" and meaning every word, but I think I'll be okay living my life and never missing
any beat. (I love you.)

-george