you know what? i thought i knew fucking everything but i don't know a goddamn thing about life.

not a goddamn thing.


but


i've been given a second chance on life and im not gonna fuck it up this time. not with her, not with my starfish. november 1st im gone for 30 days. gotta get into shape by then. gotta be sweet and compassionate and loving

and artistic, and dreamy, and aggressive in what i want to do.


i've been such a bastard this past life. i've learned from my mistakes (terrible, terrible things involving lies, sex, and deceit) and im not going to fuck up.

-says the cocaine head

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i don't know why i've waited so long to say this but,

i've been fucking atrocious for the past six months. the amount of drugs that have gone through my body is ridiculous. i couldn't see this coming, never ever. last night i shivered in bed while doing my last line of coke and all i wanted to do was die. it's all messy

like a piece of art turned into a piece of cake turned into a piece of garbage that will never be a beautiful park that houses the ducks. i think of such strange things
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sometimes i think to myself,
"why do you write all this nonsense? it isn't true at all!"

i watched v for vendetta the other day and the one thing i got from it was that "artists tell lies to tell the truth"

and thats how I feel! what a movie, it's my favorite because it incorporates one thing in my life that i feel very strongly about, making it MY movie and no one elses. i am proud to have it be my favorite movie, and by the same exact reasoning, modest mouse is my favorite band, j.d. salinger is my favorite author, blue is my favorite color, and fucking is my favorite activity!
really though
really
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these short vignettes get you nowhere
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blonde nuptial bride won't you play four square with me tonight
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someone told me to draw ten things a day if i want to learn how to draw. i tried drawing a toaster today and it looked pretty much like this

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okay,
why are you doing this?
why are you telling everyone you're a cokehead now and that all your ambition is gone? that you talk big but can't help but feel miserable at times, words of complete joy but feelings of emptiness. that's cause i'm a liar and a hypocrite! selfish and an unbeliever of my very own work!

i meant it though when i said i'm starting over. really. this part of my life is done. goodBYE mediocrity