so i have a few goals right now, i just wrote them down, well that's a lie, unlike all writers, i never actually write anything down, that's besides the point, life goals, here we go

-save up money to go to the east coast, and then up to canada
-use the rest of that money to move out
-have an amazing christmas party at my house
-build on every relationship i can (including you three girls that i always seem to be ignoring, and i love you three very much, so )
-work on these huge muscles of mine, as i know how much starfish would love to grab these arms and just chuck them into an ocean because of their ferociousness god such PASSION
-make as many people smile as i can

and ialways talk like this
but
something changed
when i looked at these cds she made for me so many years ago

and on the phone with her just now

i just need to pop up! popup out of nowhere, but sure and confident, in everyone's lives everywhere up there up here fireworks pop pop pop
0ds-f-----

i dont know what im doing. this is all messy and incoherent and fucked up
way fucked up

ill pick up the phone and just start crying when i hear her voice and i hate it i dont know why ,and its so unexplainable but i still do it and i hate it so much i hate her and i hate everything about this situation and as much as i dont like to admit it SHES THE REASON WHY I NEED TO GO

so i can finally forget because she has and theres no reason to keep looking at these shitty photo albusm and shitty heart shaped cards and shitty memories

im just so lonely and one dimensional and CUT OFF