RESOLUTION:
I walked into my mom's room and I started crying because I was thinking about all of it again and she kept saying sit down I want to talk to you and I kept pacing around the room so I just did that and let everything out, and she understood, understood better than anyone could have. Moms really do know what you're going through and in this instance it is this:

I keep feeling like I'm not good enough for her because she's with someone else and she's happy. And I felt I had to justify it, that her being happy should make me happy. And it does, but seeing her and thinking about her and fucking obsessing about it- that doesn't make anyone happy. I'm just making myself more and more upset.

“You know, some guys just wait and wait and wait and it's ten years they're waiting and maybe it'll happen and maybe it won't, but you have to move on.”

And it took her a few times, but I finally accepted it as truth, and it made me feel better. I hugged her for a long while, a minute or so, because I felt like I was talking to a version of me who had experienced it all before. And it's just a break-up, it's my first real love and I have to get over it. And I know we'll both have feelings for each other, being first loves, and that'll be okay. We'll both be fine, and we'll be happier.

The last thing I want, she said, is to be ten years down the line still miserable and not doing anything with my life because she's the only one I can think about. I kept on saying that it's hard it's hard it's hard, I know what to do, but there isn't anything I can do, so I just have to wait it out, and eventually it sunk in, and eventually everything will be settled. If we meet each other down the line at a party or at a show or in the mall maybe it'll happen and maybe it won't. But for now, sayonara.

I want to meet someone who adores me, and I'll adore her, and we'll both love to do the things we love, and there won't be all this stress of making the other person happy or calming them down or doing anything redundant and miserable that broken couples do. We'll be happy, and I'll still be able to film, and love others, and fucking paint a rainbow in the sky.

(We STAND in sky, you know. I like to think sometimes that when ants look at us from down there, we are enveloped in big blue sky.)

YOURS TRULY,
-george