fuck the audience. i don't care right now

october winds are blowing by and it doesn't seem to phase me. the days seem to slowly peel away, every night i dream a vein bursts in my brain, taking me to a place of this nature:

where people won't make people promise stupid things like marriage eventually and friendships that are only there to symbolize happiness on the behalf of all parties involved when the idea of such a thing is so fuckin ridiculous

i really don't know. i'm tired of calling starfish late at night when she's trying to sleep. i know it really annoys her, because it annoys me, but she is the only one who is willing to talk anyway, despite her physical feelings at these ineffable moments of mine.

i just feel like i'm making excuses. i'm not happy here. i'm not happy visiting dasha once a week in berkeley, and i'm not happy never seeing blaise there. i'm not happy that dom and i didn't start that blog we said we would while on coke, and i'm not happy that my future looks messy and restricted. i don't want anything to tie me to this place anymore.

and i hate going to her stupid little co-op and seeing all our guys huddled in her bed, secretly knowing they are for show, that if i were to just drive off a goddamn building she would feel so fucking responsible and you know what? i want her to. this is the first time i don't feel bad for blaming her for the misery i feel much too often. because im sick of being called up once in a while for support, but whenever the favor needs to be returned it never is. i just get soft murmurs and don't call me right nows and all i can think of is the girl who used to wrap herself in my blanket and just smile and smile and smile and then look at the polaroid we took of her and yell god im so ugly! and i wouldn't know what the hell to say because it was so opposite of what i was feeling and i guess whenever she left i would tuck it away in that album i kept and i must be such a goddamn melodramatic idiot for keeping that thing.

but i'm living the life of a writer. drugged up and alone and i guess i couldn't have avoided that. i'm just so tired of waiting for something that never seems to come.

so, please, don't ask me to stay here anymore okay? when i say i want to finally leave, let me. i don't care about your guilt anymore