an update to this morning's rush of emotions:

i'm not this depressed all the time; but sometimes i feel as though i really am just inherently upset at everything that makes up who i am. i get angry with certain things i think are unfair, and i sort of explode in that way.

but let it be known that i can be one of the happiest people in the world given certain circumstances. everyone who knows me knows that, that i can be an unbridled hot air balloon of joy, and whenever someone encounters me when im in that sort of mood generally comes away happy themselves. it's the job of being an exclamation point; sometimes you emphasize rage, sometimes you emphasize happiness. up and down
up and down (i'd like to say i'm the more stickly part of the exclamation point, but would be lying if i said i didn't understand the needs of both parts)


i really do feel especially lonely these days, and that's something i will have to work on. i feel secluded and distant and socially awkward most of the time, and i know that despite how wonderful of a person i am (or could be; i only said that because i think that's generally how people tell you to cheer up, that you should be thinking of how wonderful you inherently are. there's a lot of bs to this of course, but it's better than the alternative), i have my faults and my off-days.

will you accept me for this? i hope you do. and i'll extend the same favor by accepting you for everything that you are. (and of course, i know what you're doing right now, where you are, who you laid in bed with last night, who you're in love with, what you want with life, etc. etc. but none of those things are important i realized. i'm still young and so are you. that's what's important;




so now excuse me while i go play in the park and not have to look at a goddamn wrinkly forehead. i'm steaming again, but i think this time i am justified! i'm angry with the way i've been abandoning life, and will never let another person's actions determine what i'm going to do with my own fucking day.



a story:
yesterday afternoon dom and i were smoking a few bowls in the garage (god it's been filthy these days, i know) and i started hitting every single ping pong ball (i called them "ping pongs" a few times, as if that made complete and utter sense) out of a box that josh had bought, and when i referenced them last night i said "this morning..." and dom laughed and laughed and i started to get paranoid as to when this event actually occured (that it wasn't that same day) and he said "THIS AFTERNOON, YOU MEAN?" and i was relieved. who cares about day to day time structure, i was scared that i was doing this over a year ago!

so it goes when you're a mango living in the belly of a pineapple.