I just feel that some people need to know how I really feel on this entire subject. I don't care what anyone else thinks, I just feel I need to at least admit it to myself.

I really liked her to be honest with you. I never said one word to her, but every time I saw her at school I was always thinking how pretty I thought she was and how sweet of a girl she was. As it turns out, she really was a sweet girl, and I was a total jackass to her. I fucking didn't care about her emotions just so I could cover up the secret that I was really into someone I didn't even know.

I read a few of her poems. They killed me. Both in the humorous way and in the other way. She reminded me of Teresa, and in fact, she still does. I'm kind of glad she's mad at me though, maybe both her and Teresa, because then I can't do shit like this again.

Basically, I pretend to be someone I wasn't, and this girl who is very depressed and emotional thought I was in love with her. A complete, ugly stranger who was into what she was into was in love with her. And paid attention to her. And was happy every time he saw her. Maybe I didn't feel all of those things, but I think I thought them and meant them at one point. Her friend asked her if I loved her and I got a headache and I said yes and I ended up making everyone think I really was. So I had to cover it up. I just had to. I was already after another girl.

The real thing that just upsets me about this entire thing is that me and her probably would've become really good friends if I wasn't being such an absent minded jackass. I blame the cigarettes, but I know better than that because I've done stuff like this before. Whatever, is all I'm going to say.

Her hair is still pretty to me. Not just that, either. Everything. Teresa told me to say, "I've fallen to her", and I told all my friends I was going to, but deep down I couldn't. I couldn't let her know it was all a hoax. I knew how upset this girl would be. I know how her self esteem would just drop into the shitter. I feel neutral right now, but I know it's wrong. I'm going to smoke another cigarette after this.

This girl Amber who knew everything told me to tell her it was a joke and then do this little dance I do to cheer her up immediately right after. I saw the girl and saw how embarassed she looked, and I just couldn't. I was worried she would find out. I was unhappy. I was frustrated for the first time in a while.

So now I'm here, sitting in my room thinking about what I've been doing the past couple of days and it's seriously making me upset. I really am the kid she thought I was, even though I don't like to admit it sometimes.

"3rd Planet"- Modest Mouse

I need a fucking bottle of vodka.