and before i go i want everyone to know that when i read old posts and old entries i too, feel completely sick to my stomach and sometimes i ask myself, "who the fuck IS this miserable sounding guy? god get over it!"

and we all know how hard it is!

and it isn't just her that's tearing me apart, i'm more complex than that. it's everything, infinite now, broken past and hazy future
im worried about all of it
especially about my race with liz to see who's going to be famous first

i need to travel. i made the right decision in leaving when i went to portland in that i had to get the hell away, and now, i need to make the right decision in where the fuck im going. i refuse to be stuck anymore. i already made the stupidest fucking decision in the world when i decided not to go off to college just to look
at
her

im always feeling like im in the movies. holden teresa bang bang