so to sum up everything about my feelings regarding dasha (just to put the nail in the coffin already) -

i have the most difficult time still being friends with her these days. it's not that i don't like her or anything, it's just, how are you supposed to be smiley and complacent and energetic

it would be the moments we shared that nobody else could see. the private moments in our own lives that only we know about, how we wake up and make ourselves cereal and watch cartoons in the morning, or how one has to feed the dog every afternoon. we know that people do these things, but when you see someone do it for the first time, and you're the only one watching, it's like you share an intense connection as they've let you see a part of their life that no one else has seen. and it is best when people share these connections, though often overlooked, because it is how we really get to know each other. i miss the days of when she would call me over to listen to her play the piano, and i would feint boredom, but really i would be listening to every note, sometimes dancing with scarecrows in the background, occasionally yelling with the beat to make her laugh. and when i see her now, i think of these moments and wonder, "why am i here right now?"

because the tenderness of our relationship has been cut off. i'm not extreme about this, though. i believe two people can have such a connection without defining it solely as "love". it is a type of love, surely, but it isn't categorized strictly as such. the way i feel about my closest friends, for an obvious example.

it's that

we both have changed so much and we don't even know each other anymore. i keep forgetting that in the past 6 months we've probably seen each other only ten times. i'm not the one that watches inbetween the spaces where she is on the outside anymore, and i don't know how i am supposed to respond to her many grumps and complexions.

but i mean we still have a good time together and all. the other night just driving around getting drinks and playing video games was okay by me. the hellos and the goodbyes are awkward still, but it's something i'll have to get over. but you can't expect everything to be perfect. i think it's so impossible, this friends after relationships thing (unless the breakup was mutual,of course), because how are you supposed to view someone you used to (and still do) love positively, without remembering everything you've felt about them? i sort of have to trick myself into thinking slightly negative things about her, just so i'll resist the urge to explode whenever she's around. i have to live it with it, as it's what makes everyone so goddamn happy to believe, that i'm fine with it, but in fairness, it's not the fucking truth.

and that's why i've been traveling so much. my cure is to get away, and all this garbage is making me lie to myself. whenever i think about home, and how i feel nothing whenever i think about it, i go crazy inside and want to get away for months at a time, before someone comes and meliorates my current emotional thought processes, letting me be peaceful and ignorant, all the while feeling like i'm dying on the inside.

i really want to get away and start over again. i want to make art and make people laugh and share connections like these with as many or as few people as i can meet. it really will all depend on the mood. it's just not cutting it here, and maybe no place will ever really cut it for me, but that's okay. i'm fine with traveling all over the place.


-george

post script:
when you search her name online the first thing that comes up is this:



her favorite color was green. i loved that about her.

we were two little shrubs playing and peering over a mountaintop. but now when you cut open my belly there are a lot more rings than before




post post script:
(dasha, if you ever read this, i think that photo will never stop being "photo of the month" on that page.)

if only people knew what really went on in these post scripts, what really gets saved in the privacy of my real life journal. but those are just so messy and uneventful that i feel i would be forcing myself upon all of you and that would just make everyone throw up