princess anastasia left this morning,
i didn't speak much this trip,
i've been a mess, but i did give her hugs and i did listen to every word,
and she has this great physique
nice lips
curly hair
she's so tall!
anyway,
i owe her a gorgeous painting for christmas. i'll have to start soon
i'm happy with the way things are with her. i backed away when i figured out we could only be temporary, though for the rest of our lives we can have cocktails and check up on each other, telling each other nice things because they feel good, complementing from the heart, contemplating WILDLY

for now however
i bought this really nice coat in montreal, at simon's
it was a hundred dollars, which is how much winter coats can go for (i was appalled by the high-rise ketchup-chip pricing, being from california of course) here.
everyone has one but me
anyway i got one
and i should probably get another beanie because mine was dirtied by the hall throughout the weekend, throughout ecastasy, throughout pot brownies, throughout card houses and egyptian ratscrew, between the biodome and pina coladas, between the joints and the green line, between the orange line and the cathedral, right next to me always while we were sleeping.
last night i kept trying to touch her hair with my hand, just to keep holding her there because god fucking damn it it's gonna be a while til i see her. i just realized that i didn't have much to say (this is a very tumultuous time in my life, just now discovering how truly warped my mind and country are) to her, and all i wanted to kiss her and let her know i understood and that i loved her for everything that she was

and i still do! i dont know how she feels about me, i just know that we'll always keep seeing each other, always leaving before things can go awry, just after the seventh cocktail, right before the second week of paradise

(god that biodome we went to was so cool. we saw this thing called like a cacelot or SOMETHING hideous like that, i've never seen it before. it was NICE!

and they had puffins! and room with just penguins! )

i sort of want to steer away from anastasia, but i think she deserves more credit than that. she has a gorgeous set of eyes lips and hair(curly curly BROWN) her neck is soft and fragile, and her physique is slender and nice, tall but SO nice to hold against and be against and at one time she called me her koala bear (pointed out my box said small box fuck im always such a little guy/oof), and i kissed her and she said no liplocking (ANDY) and i just laughed and called her beautiful, always sincere, because i always meant it

so that's enough about her for now though. i sort of want to call to make sure she got to new york okay, but i'm sure she'll be there when i call her on the way home, to check up on and things and everything.

i'm going to see starfish tomorrow. i just told her i was scared, and she said we'll see, and i said not because of that, because of winnipeg, but it wasn't really winnipeg. i've been scared to go home, but i'm also shaken up from the fact that our nation is just a bunch of idiot particles pushing against each other, wandering blindly into the forest, not knowing what to do and just loading up on guns

we're such a bunch of rowdy kids. how the FUCK did we spend 8 trillion dollars on mostly toys?
and worse especially, toys that KILL people?
these are scary times we live in. oceania fucking exists and EVERYONE knows but US