on mornings and feeling less handjobby than normal:

> >From: George Ha
>
>
> >To: teresa
> >Subject: teresa
> >Date: Wed, 2 Jun 2004 21:38:08 -0700 (PDT)
> >
> >i believe im really falling for dasha.
> >
> >i still want to meet you however, and have that
> >forbidden cigarette as much as my lungs despite the
> >idea.
> >
> >lets TALK!

--------------------------------------------------------

>
>"teresa B." wrote: I was just about to
>email you, when my computer informed me that you'd emailed me.
> For the past two days I have been obsessively reading At Home in the
>World by Joyce Maynard. Have you heard of it? It's a memoir by a girl who
>was seduced by none other than J.D. Salinger. She was eighteen at the time,
>and he was fifty-three. They were "landsmen", but of course things turn
>sour, etc. etc...I won't spoil anything for you. It's addictive like
>nicotine and smells twice as good. Their affair makes me think of us, and
>I'm horrified how my writing sounds similar to Joyce's at my age. So
>pretentious. I am already refering to "Joyce" in my journal, just like I
>refer to "Vonnegut" and the ever-present "Salinger". I toyed with the idea
>of sending him fan mail and setting a new record of seventeen to what is he
>now...85? But from what I hear, he's very healthy for his age. Do you have
>his address? It's outstanding to hear this woman describing blow jobs to
>Mister Salinger and him sticking his finger down his throat!!!
> I'm glad you're falling in love, it's good for you. I agree with
>everything you've ever said.

--------------------------------------------------------

"teresa B." <tokyovoguegothold@hotmail.com> wrote: Georgey Boy!

I still can't imagine you angry in person. I figure that I would just ruffle
your buzz cut around and you would be happy again. Please stop saying "Fuck
you" though. It makes my heart hurt like Holden's did when he saw it all
over the school.

"i started a story, and i'll be sending in the first few chapters of the
manuscript to you soon, to see if you approve. i haven't gotten your check
yet, but i'm sure it should be coming any day now.

i contacted the publishing company and they were very interested in the
idea. i'm sure you, as my number one fan would agree.

it's about a very awkward dream i had a few weeks ago that i suddenly
remembered. it's very strange. however, whenever i listen to "bankrupt on
selling" the world that was in this story came to life.

i realized in order to write this story i have to start living in that world
which seems scary to me, as im afraid i'll end up the way i did with you.

it's insane."

What happened to this story? I miss you. After Sparta yesterday we went to a
Mexican restaurant and Yamit and her boyfriend were there too and her
boyfriend's latently homosexual brother and his faux-lover. For gay men
they're kind of boring and shy. Anyway, I like Yamit a lot and we might be
having falafels with her while you're here. I'm still slowly going backwards
in my age, THANK GOD. Now when I walk down the street I'm less scared
without trying so hard not to be, and I look at people and wonder where
their joy is. If you have rubber boots you should bring them there are a lot
of puddles here and I don't want your poor Californiafeet to get all wet.

--------------------------------------------------------
george wrote:
all the fuck yous can be easily remedied by you seeing how happy i'll be when im stomping around in galoshes without a care in the world

what happened to that story? i remember crying my eyes out completely for days at a time after i had that dream. did i ever tell you what it was about? it was during a time where all i wanted to do was run away and live in the city somewhere, AFTER i had done this with grace already. there were these three gorgeous alley-cat girls and they took me into their dingy little basement and all i did was sleep and have radioactive adventures, and whenever i listened to bankrupt on selling my heart would HURT and HURT because all i wanted was to live in my goddamn dream world. and it happened, on and off, but never the amount of on that i had always wanted.

and i'm hurt too, so shouldn't we just drop everything and stop hurting? last night in bed i listened to amnesiac and thought of you with my entire being
------------------------------------------------------


george also wrote this, a few days ago at the office(and because i already sent AND read aloud to her every emotion i was possibly trying to convey [our hearts were linked again and it was So refreshing! [for old fans]):

i'm glad you're no longer serving that terrible white-like thing to
people who would much rather beat you up than let you swim in their ocean.
i went through a long string of emails and found you to be absolutely
charming. i like finding you all over again, it's such a piece of
goddamn literary genius, you and i - and if we're quiet, if we persevere and
touch each other and listen to the albums of angels (like we frequently
do) then i see no problem with us putting on our berets and sexy
saxophones and robbing cities BLIND
- of treasure
- of women
- of MEN


i like how boy crazy you are, have i ever said it to you in that way?
as soon as i got into the office this morning four asian ladies were
huddled outside my cubicle talking about sales and i tried to squirm my
way through but i kept getting slapped with thighs and big upper arms and
i didnt know if i was being sucked up by an elephants trunk or what so
i pretended there was a fire and stopped to drop and roll, but all of a
sudden my boss picked me up by the ear and told me to get back to work.
they continued to talk about sales and one woman brought up a certain
SHOE sale and all the asian ladies started chirping like HYENA-birds and
kept saying they always missed sales and they never knew when anything
was and WHAT nordstroms has a SALE? and -

immediately following this a man with an unknown face (the walls don't
like me seeing what certain voices look like, i can only GUESS as to
the curliness or ugliness of ones BROW-HAIR [on purpose]) came out of his
office and said, "well, my wife is on ALL those mailing lists, if you
want, just give me your numbers and well, i'll um, have her forward you
the list of whenever someone is having a sale", and all the women  said
something about e-mail (which was completely lost on me) and he kept
saying "VICTORIAS SECRET (O-O eyeballs)" and things like that to make it
seem like either
1. he was one sensual fucker, fucking all over the place,  continually
fucking and fucking and fucking and
2. he was actually married
3. who knows what people are thinking when they say these funny sorts
of things? it's like they just came from their last soap box derby and
suddenly its twelve years later and you're working in an office trying
to convince people victorias secret has SOME special place in your life

-------------------
i've been scared about life - at least, i THINK that's why i've been so
upset lately. sitting here in a mundane and completely UN = provocative
(that's my new favorite hyphen and word choice for something that has
to do about bravery but seemingly has a negative connotation) BOX-TOWN
really can get to someone's nerves (and emotions, assadf!!)

i gotta be honest, i'm scared to death whenever you mention ANYONE in a
positive light, i was rereading emails about fights with evan and
birdseed, and though i know you love me, i know you're exactly like me, and
god do we like to be touched like crazy, and god do we like to be
touched by every single good looking person we meet - i don't know what to
say about this, except that i just want you to know one more time that
all my suspicions stem from my own shortcomings - and as much as i adore
the female body, as much as i CRAVE the human heart as a whole, i've
never craved anyone's soul and heart and feetenphonen as much as i have
YOURS.
---------------------
i felt everyone's heart at the party on Saturday, and i don't think
you've really felt my presence because sometimes i think my sexual energy
can make a room EXPLODE! dom was telling me how pumped i was, that at
one point i actually grabbed these weights and lifted them over and
over, completely energized, "chris chris let me borrow these c'mon",
chris's (and this chris you've never seen) girlfriend rubbing my tummy and
telling me how beautiful i was, a gay boy agreeing and saying i was the
first (gorgeous) long haired asian kid he'd ever (!!!!!!), dom and i
absolutely in love with you, him constantly telling me hes going to knock
me out and run away with you, me telling dom my mom would LOVE to cut
his hair and that she would love him but they never gave each other the
chance, my heart skipping beats, one side worrying about you not having
a good night, another frantically searching for your octopus legs,
another wondering when the next time your love would come through my body
in TOUCH, resonating like waves through my body!
---------------------------
more on this -
i CONSTANTLY stand up on that bathroom stool naked and wonder how nice
someone might think my body was -
this is better than before, when i would constantly have men masturbate
on my head and tell me what a dirty cunt i could be ( back before i was
an asian boy, rather an asian GIRL [in bARS!])

i also should do my laundry (*laughs really hard like a boy, wondering,
WONDERING how much of a girl you actually are, if you think more about
cocks or if you just like feeling sensual, if you actually ADORE
fashion sense, if I  fucking adore fashion sense, if you'll ever yell at me
for not doing the laundry or dishes or if i were to forget the kids at
"throw-stones-at-your-kids-if-you're-late" camp, i don't know i don't
know -

i love you. i'll call you at lunch and serenade you if i can. i think
i'll write an email to you every morning, i feel really nice. and i
didn't smoke this morning for once, and though i wanted to dance and be
silly in the car like i always do, i feel that i keep doing things an
idiot would do and i should probably stop doing them (ie, listening to
certain things i don't even like just to clear out my head sometimes, and
SO ON)

but you know what i'll never stop doing is YOU!!!!!!!!!!
-----------------------------------------
i've fallen in love with amnesiac. i showered to it this morning and imagined what it
would be like to be seventeen feet tall

- randmcnallymaps