my stomach!
~ the sickness ~

On (the journey of dismissing) {all talk no walk},
or,

how i finally learned to make love in 20 seconds or less:

ELLERINA - fifteen, naturally brown but red-dyed hair. cherubic white skin, candy eyes.
SEBASTIAN BACH - seventeen, growing out his dark, terrifically thick hair. has a heavy metal accent.

SEBASTIAN and ELLERINA have just finished climbing a hill infested with bushes, berries, and bears. They are sitting on a tree swing looking out over the city. The wind blows.

ELLERINA
Look at all the lights, Sebastian.

SEBASTIAN
I know, baby. It's like you and me out there.

ELLERINA
So many colors, my eyes...

SEBASTIAN puts his arm around ELLERINA and pulls her close. She puts her head in his chest.

SEBASTIAN
Comfy?

ELLERINA
So, so comfy.

SEBASTIAN
You like me?

ELLERINA
Yes.

SEBASTIAN
You're my girl now.

ELLERINA
(amazement) Really?? I...

SEBASTIAN
You're gorgeous Ellerina.

ELLERINA takes SEBASTIAN's hand and puts her palm up to his. She marvels at how small she is in comparison.

ELLERINA
You really like me?

SEBASTIAN
Of course.

ELLERINA
Tell me.

SEBASTIAN
You're so beautiful, you're like...

ELLERINA
Yes, Sebastian?

SEBASTIAN
You're like...

ELLERINA
Yes... Yes, what am I?

SEBASTIAN
You're like the president.

ELLERINA
What?

SEBASTIAN
You know baby, like that one Watergate dude.

ELLERINA
Nixon?

SEBASTIAN
Yeah, my man.

ELLERINA pushes off of him and moves as far away from SEBASTIAN as possible.

ELLERINA
I want to go home.

SEBASTIAN
What, baby? You don't like Watergate?

ELLERINA
I want to go home.

SEBASTIAN
I thought you'd like that.

ELLERINA
Why the fuck would you think that?

SEBASTIAN
I just did.

ELLERINA
You're not even sorry.

SEBASTIAN
For what? Rocking out? (shakes his head glamourously, swashing around his hair)

ELLERINA
UGH, you're an asshole.

ELLERINA gets off the swing and makes her way down the hill. SEBASTIAN calls to her.

SEBASTIAN
Did you still want to come over later?

ELLERINA
(offstage) Fuck you!

------------------------------------------------
Marie Nash - wearing a short brown dress with a flower pinned to it. hair down to her chin with bangs. slender, graceful, kind.
Shaw Marion - a few inches taller than Marie. muscular, bold, and handsome. sort of dim-witted, but a good kisser.

Shaw and Marie are laying on the sidewalk next to her truck downstage. Marie is stroking Shaw's hair, which seems to sprawl over her entire lap. They are both giggling sporadically with constant smiles on their faces.

MARIE
We're going to be such good parents.

SHAW
I want to pack their lunches.

MARIE
I want to comb their hair.

SHAW
You would be so good at that. (kisses her)

MARIE
You're gorgeous.

SHAW
So are you.

MARIE
If you're bad at sex I'm going to kill you (giggles).

SHAW
I'm a champ, baby. (buries his head in her stomach and tries to blow air into her belly button)

MARIE
No, no raspberries... stop.

They continue to gently wrestle around as the scene changes behind them. They start to kiss
as the stage behind them changes from a parking lot to a grassy field. The stars are shining.

MARIE
Let's have some fun.

SHAW
Sure.

They start kissing passionately but stop in the middle.

MARIE
What's wrong?

SHAW
I...

MARIE
You can tell me. Are you nervous? It's okay.

SHAW
No, I don't know. I don't know what's wrong.

MARIE
Shaw, it's fine.

Marie pushes Shaw on his back, gets on top of him, and starts moving her hips. Shaw goes into a dreamlike state, with his eyes half open.

SHAW
What are you...

MARIE
Shh...

SHAW
This is the best consolation prize ever...

Marie goes down to kiss him, but stops before her lips actually get there.

MARIE
You're an angel.

SHAW
My legs are melting.

Suddenly, the set begins to shake and lightning goes off in the distance. SHAW starts to panic out of nowhere and tosses her off of him.

SHAW
Holy fuck, lightning!

MARIE
Shaw, what the fuck?

SHAW
We gotta get outta here!

MARIE
Calm down, it's just a lightning storm. They happen all the time here.

SHAW
No, you don't understand. You don't know how nature works. (starts physically scrambling around for a solution)

MARIE
It's fine!

SHAW starts going into a delusional trance.

SHAW
Get outta my way! (tosses her aside again)

MARIE
Where are you going?

SHAW
To fuck mother nature like she fucked me.

MARIE
Why!

SHAW
Because I'm a rock-star goddamn it! (starts to pace off, but Marie calls to him)

MARIE
Don't you love me?


SHAW stops at this question, turns around and faces her, pauses, and takes a deep breath.

SHAW
You're right Marie, I should calm down, I just -

LOUDSPEAKER
But before little Shaw could finish...


(A lightning bolt strikes Marie and she explodes into ashes.)

SHAW
WHAT THE FUCK!

Shaw immediately starts panicking and tries to run. However, whichever direction he goes, a lightning bolt seems to strike the ground in front of him before he gets anywhere. He starts screaming at the tops of lungs in short, 2-3 second spurts. Finally he reaches Marie's ashes, but instead of grieving at her unexpected misfortune,

SHAW
HERE THEY ARE!

he grabs a set of keys she left behind and runs over to the truck, curses the sky, and drives off.
--------------------------------------------
MARIE NASH
That is so not what happened.

GEORGE
Yeah, but I got the point across that I was still shaky back then.

MARIE
Why did you have to kill me?

GEORGE
It had to have a punchline.

MARIE
Why couldn't it just have been sweet?

GEORGE
(stern) That's not how it happened.

Marie giggles.

MARIE
So defensive.

Marie kisses him on the cheek.

GEORGE
Shutup.
---------------------------------------------

SHIRLEY and ACE are fooling around underneath some blankets on a big bed center stage. Their voices are audible, but they can't be seen.

SHIRLEY
Ace, you're amazing...

ACE grunts.

SHIRLEY
What are you doing to me...

ACE giggles.

SHIRLEY
You fuck me like a lion!

ACE roars.

SHIRLEY
Now go faster...

ACE whimpers.

SHIRLEY
Faster, Ace.

ACE is quiet.

SHIRLEY
Faster...

ACE can be heard grunting and putting everything he has into it.

SHIRLEY
Don't stop... don't stop...

They stop moving around under the blankets.

SHIRLEY
You stopped!

ACE
I, uh...

SHIRLEY pushes him off of her and gives him her back.

ACE
Shirley, no, I can keep going, just give me like five minutes.

SHIRLEY doesn't say anything.

ACE
Baby,

ACE puts his hand on her shoulder.
SHIRLEY bites a finger.

ACE
Fuck, will you at least say something?

SHIRLEY
Just go to bed.

ACE
I...

Ace sighs.

ACE
Damn it.

ACE takes one last look, turns around, and tries to sleep. (He doesn't that night, just to let you know)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

How to Give a Sensual Massage
by Cheeps Eatson

I look at massages as a way to express yourself intimately with someone, without it having to be just about sex. You can use your hands as great foreplay to touch all the spots she didn't know could feel so good. Here are some basic tips that I like to adhere to when giving a massage:

- Don't start out too rough, but don't be gentle either. The best part about getting a massage is how sometimes it hurts so bad it's good. But don't think your partner made out of hamsteak or something. They're as fragile as anyone else. Treat them with love and run your fingers softly and slowly down each part of them, getting a feel as to what feels good and what doesn't.

- Don't ignore any one spot, and don't do the same thing over and over. We're excited by what's uncertain. I like to pretend I'm writing out the alphabet on them in terms of where you're moving your hands, keeping it fresh and fun but still being in control.

- Scratching and biting can be wonderful if done right. You know how good it feels when you scratch your back when it itches? That's what I'm talking about. Synergizing that with passionate touching every so often (don't scratch too hard, unless they want you to. scratch just enough to add that extra sensation that puts you over the top) adds to the excitement and heightens senses to new levels.

- Knuckles can be your best friend. Run your knuckles, maybe two at a time with each hand, down your partners spine slowly, a few times in repetition, but adding pressure after each time. This one you sort of have to do on your own, but trust me, it feels amazing and it's nice to do.

- Don't be afraid to complement them verbally to go along with the physical. Everyone likes to hear how much you love them when you're being intimate (which is different than obsessing sporadically), so don't be afraid to whisper those sweet nothings into their ear every so often.

Those are all the tips I can really give out so far without women trying to jump on me for more. "Change our husbands, Cheeps Eatson," "I want to marry you, Cheeps Eatson," "Where is my alimony, Cheeps Eatson," it's all too much sometimes. So with that , I wish you adieu and good luck on your many massagical adventures!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
DAVE PETERS
Man that Cheeps Eatson guy gets all the ladies. He's always on TV and everything.

GEORGE
Ugh, I hate that guy.

DAVE
Hey just because he got famous and you didn't.

GEORGE
He's an idiot.

DAVE
He's a genius. I know you guys were friends way back when but

GEORGE
I wrote that goddamn thing on massages. In fact, I write everything he fucking publishes! He's a thief!

DAVE
Wait, you wrote all those things?

GEORGE
Yeah!

DAVE
How come you don't have any women, then? How come you're not on TV?

GEORGE
Apparently it's legal to take someone's work and give the credit to someone more handsome.

(Pause)

DAVE
God, America.

GEORGE sighs.

GEORGE
Yeah.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
IT IS MORNINGTIME.

Porcupine and Dandelion are in bed and the sun is shining in through the windows. Porcupine stretches, yawns, and lays back down. Dandelion is woken up by something.

DANDELION
Please tell me you're not doing what I think you're doing.

PORCUPINE
What?

DANDELION
Why are you stabbing me with your penis?

PORCUPINE
No dice?

DANDELION moves over a bit, out of his reach

PORCUPINE
It's fucking natural, I can't control it!

DANDELION
Put fucking stabson away already.

PORCUPINE
What about last night, everything we did, it was amazing...

DANDELION
PORCUPINE, I'm TRYING to SLEEP here.

PORCUPINE
Goddamn it.

(Long pause)

DANDELION
PORCUPINE!

PORCUPINE
What?
---------------------------------------------------------------
(FLUFFY HAIRED) ELF and CRO MAGNUM are at a kitchen table. ELF is eating a sandwich while CRO MAGNUM is trying to make a card house. There is a trash can right next to them.

CRO MAGNUM
You know what I usually do for mayonnaise?

(FLUFFY HAIRED) ELF
Please don't tell me.

CRO MAGNUM
Well you see, I go to the 33 cent store on Market 'cause they got cheap groceries over there that supermarkets usually just throw away.

ELF
You used that mayonnaise on my panini didn't you?

CRO MAGNUM
Oh, no that isn't mayonnaise.

ELF
Thank god.

CRO MAGNUM
That's bear's milk.

ELF's eyes open up wide and he starts to puke in the trash.

CRO MAGNUM
God, you don't like bear's milk? It's so good.

ELF
Fuck you!

CRO MAGNUM
At least let me have a bite of that.