I'm sitting inside Tauscher's guest room at 7 in the morning thinking about life and why exactly I've chosen to devote the last four years of my life to such a small part of my personality. I never really cared about the importance of "art" or "writing". It was just something I did to make myself feel better after working hard during the day. And it's become that again for me, a source of comfort throughout the mindless 60 hours a week I've been working.

I'm sorta tired of the artsy conversations I've been having in college. I don't regret majoring in writing, it's helped a lot. I just sort of lost sight of why I started to write in the first place. Two reasons - one, like I said, to get away from real life for a while and just have a place where I could talk about anything I wanted without fear of someone coming in and shitting up my creativity; and two - (that was a terrible use of a semicolon by the way - on purpose) to make people laugh. To entertain people. I'm not just a writer, though I've been trying to play it off like I've been. To hell with writers who strictly write. To hell with people who ask me what I've been "working on". I wanted to reply "nothing" so many times, but I've always had to make up some sort of something to talk about when really I just wanted to eat some pizza and run around in circles for a while.

I was never meant to be confined to a room all the time just to write.Forcing the words out of myself has never been fun for me. I've enjoyed acting and tricking people far more than actually writing. Sometimes all I can write about is writing, and for me, it's just as dangerous for me as taking crystal meth. It leads me into the same type of awful place.

Here is the break in the middle where I tell myself to stop smoking because goddamn it it's 7:30 in the morning and I feel like someone's ripped one of my lungs out. My grammar seems to be all wavy right now. I feel all wavy. There's this waiter who works for us, John, that always does power stretches when he gets a free moment. I've been trying to push myself to be like that, to never idle. I want to be pure MOMENTUM (personified).

I think Mike's dad came into my room at about 3am when he was leaving for work, and I remember being paranoid for a second or two about my appearance - pretty much half naked wearing these goddamn hilarious white briefs with my legs all contorted over the blanket. Then I laughed and dreamed about how I had woken up at 4 in the afternoon and that the sky was purple and everything in my life was falling apart. In a strange way. Like people jumping up and down in inflatable jumping castles for some reason. IT always makes sense back then.

I guess there's not too much else I want to say. I just wanted to make a point to myself that I'm not just a writer, and I'd be foolish and idiotic to live my life thinking that was the most important part of me. It's not even close. Ellery told me I had this aura whenever I walked around somewhere, and I definitely try to present that on purpose, but I haven't really been upping my skills any lately. I don't want to wake up and feel like I've wasted years drugged up and not being number one all the time. I'm ready to step it up,
to be
pure

m o m e n tu m.. . .. ! !


p.s. i wish i had someone like clint eastwood to tell me everytime i was a pussy in my youth. i feel old, but maybe its because i've become so goddamn weak back in california. i love it here though. everything i said about it has been a goddamn lie.