Oh God, I've fallen behind on my life.

Let's not start from the beginning today. We had to write a letter for English which was nice, because I haven't written a letter in so long, and it was a nice break from the normal weekly essay. That and the fact that I really wanted to write to her. But as I was writing the letter, I decided I wouldn't send it to her, so I just wrote "Dear you," so I could think of someone to give it to when Mr. Rice gives it back. I think it's wonderful that he's putting a grade on normal conversation. A letter is a gift this man says. You aren't obligated to reply, but of course, you should when you feel like it. I'll show it to you before I give it away. I promise.

Anyway, I was sitting there before class started, and this girl Kelly who always seems to give me the eye tapped me on the shoulder and said hello. "Hey, George... for your letter, were you friendly or did you get personal?" I did get a little personal about my prom date and things like that, but I told her, "No, it was pretty friendly," and I smiled and turned back around. The next question she asked me really knocked me out. "Hey George, you're straightedge right?". I used to be, until I started smoking cigarettes with that damn Grace, and until I got drunk that one night in a hotel room. But right now I am. I stopped smoking cigarettes last Thursday, because I realized that one day I'm going to die, and right now, I want to have all the time I can possibly keep. Unless someone wants to shoot me one day, then I'll probably start smoking. "Yeah, I'm straightedge." I was about to laugh, but she had this look on her face that kept me from doing so. "Caffeine too?" I laughed." No, haha, that's too hardcore for me." It was very random, but you could definitely tell she wanted to ask me this for a long time. I always see her in the library at lunch. I'm always in there because I hate people. That and because I like to pass out in front of a telescreen hooked up to other people. I got this idea from my grandmother, as she always tells me to turn off my television, and I have no idea what she's talking about. I hate computers, by the way. I hope the next industrial revolution has something to do with art, because I'm getting pretty sick of this electronic garbage.

I was in a play last week. It was quite awful to tell you the truth, but by the second night, I was just having fun on stage. I could hear my friend Blaise hollering from the crowd, and instantly I transformed into a comedian. It was very heartening. I started making all these jokes that only my friends would understand, but that was enough. I made several "That Thing You Do" references, and Black History Month jokes. Awful, I admit, but at the end of the night I was really smiling. The next day a few girls said that their parents really thought I was funny and that I should be on the Improv team, even though I already am. It knocked me out because the only people that were laughing at my jokes were my friends. Anyway, after the play, me, Blaise, Rob, and this girl who is absolutely in love with Blaise named Jenna, went out to eat at a diner. The best part of the night was that we stole a gigantic Elvis head cutout that was part of a play a few weeks before, named it Faice and took it to eat with us. The waiter got pretty frustrated, but it was hilarious anyway. We ended up taking it to the bathroom and took pictures of it on top of the toilet and looking at itself in the mirror. I seem to always have a nice time when I'm with Blaise. He just has this sort of charm that lightens the mood of any situation.

The other night I was at Quizno's, which is this place where you can get amazing sub sandwiches, and there was this Chinese lady that was working there. All I really wanted was a sandwich, but you could tell she wanted to have a conversation with me. She started asking all these questions about my family and things like that and she asked if I spoke Cantonese and I said no. She smiled anyway, and she asked if I liked Clam Chowder, which I of course said yes to. And she gave me two free bowls of clam chowder. I think it's a sort of Asian thing. People act like since we're Asian, it fucking makes us spiritually linked and that we need to be there for each other in the long run. In this hellhole of an America we live in. It all really kills me. That and the way she kept calling me sir, the way the Chinese women on street corners hollering "one dollar" and guilting you into buying a plastic umbrella.

I'm sorry for this.

I really wanted to ask this girl Trisha to prom on Friday. I don't know why, but out of all the people I know, I just wanted to go with her for some reason. Since she's Vice President of the Earth club (which kills me by the way) I was thinking I'd dress up as a globe with pieces of litter pinned to my costume with a sign that said "Recycle your love for me at prom" or SOMETHING clever like that. Anyway, on Friday (the day before Valentine's) I saw her in sixth period with a bouquet of Roses and a teddy bear. My heart didn't really sink, and I didn't really feel anything. I kind of saw it coming, but I'm sure she'll be happy with whoever she goes with. I feel like punching both him and me right now actually. I don't think I'm going to prom anymore. Not just because of this, since there were a couple other people I'd ask, but because I always hear girls in the hall talking about how "wasted" they're going to get and how "fucked up" the night is going to be. It's very disheartening. It was okay though because me and Trisha both exchanged looks and laughed at the corny jokes the substitute was telling us that period. And she laughed at how I laughed when the substitute said, "And the Jews didn't know what they were in for when people offered them a nice shower". God, I'm losing both my sense of grammar and my voice. My mouth tastes like chicken soup, but it's kind of unsettling because it's the phlegm in the back of my throat. I think I'm bleeding through my esophagus.

Here is where you can tell I've been drinking vodka for the past half an hour.

I got really angry at my sister for having to give her a ride. I was just tired. We are all fucking animals. When we’re tired, we’re cranky, when we’re hungry, we’re easily upset, when we’re angry get the fuck away from us. The doctor doesn’t’ look at his patient as an equal. Does he say, dear mister smith, my good companion. You have polio. I’ll be able to walk, while you mister smith cannot walk ever again. You and that fucking Franklin Delano Roosevelt. The man who brought us out of the great depression. The man who supposedly knew about Pearl Harbor. Whatever to save our economy. The man who valued his political career over his wife, who obviously became a lesbian because his husband couldn’t give her a good fuck. He was crippled Eleanor, it wasn’t his fault. At least kiss him like you mean it. They of course had children, but I doubt Eleanor had a wonderful time doing THAT.

The big bang: My reasoning that the less of a family relationship one has, the less of a loving relationship one has, the more desire to the more want to the more NEED to make love. To find love through one and only way. Emotional of course, but mostly physical. It’s the girls who only praise daddy when he buys them a car and spites him at all other times that beg to be fucked by the high school football jock. Beg. Just like Grace. Fucked up family? Lost her virginity when she was fourteen to a sleazy teenager filled with angst.

This is why right after a relationship we try to rebound with another relationship. So that we can fill the void of having no one there to hold. No one there to talk to. So we can stop being alone for a brief period of time. Of course this doesn’t work for a long time as the other person begins to realize they’re just being used for this one purpose; as a healing factor for one side, everything being unilateral.

To end this, I will enclose a letter I sent to Teresa a few days ago.

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Teresa- I wrote this while I was stoned.

George Ha

Dear Trina,

Due to the overwhelming number of books being sold in the past three weeks (500+), I've decided to buy about 400 books in bulk for my book signing tour coming up in July 2004.

Dan talked to me the other day about the tour, and he gave me a few destinations which he wanted me to discuss with you. Right now the book signing will be west coast only, which means fans of the book living elsewhere will have to wait. I was told that this was due to the fact that the book has not been out long enough for an official count of the number of books sold in each of the prime locations and through large businesses (Barnes and Nobles, Amazon, Borders, Walden, etc.). However, I’m very excited about the first stop to Borders in Phoenix, AZ on July 15th. A friend of mine has contacted the manager of that particular location and it is official.

However, one question remains. Will this book tour go international, and if so, how long will it take us to do? I’m sure there will be fans of the book in the Canadian provinces, especially in the Manitoba (Winnipeg) area, where I have set up street teams to help promote the book. Teresa Braun, a close friend of mine, will be in charge of this.

On a side note, my friends the Get Up Kids will help promote the book as part of their tour, by selling the book as official merchandise. Ha. It really took me a while to convince them, and since the lead singer and I grew up together (high school + neighbor) he finally succumbed. Hopefully this will be a wonderful engagement, and I am looking forward to my future career with MTV books.

Sincerely,

-George Ha

I'm sure that coupled with Faice has led you to believe there is something seriously the fuck wrong. Oh by the way, my book really IS out, so go buy it. Maybe I'll go on a real book signing this summer or the next. Honestly, I don't give a damn. I'm just trying to finish the book I'm writing now. I'm only 32 pages into it, which is kind of depressing, but then again, I've been so busy with everything. You know. The whole... Faice... thing. Anyway, the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and Mars Volta are going on tour, which means Dan Heisse and Trina Lee will be around. Oh god, you really hate Erin, don't you?

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P.S. Erin is a girl that both me and Teresa dislike because she enjoys being a complete phony. Ha. Straightedge.

cya.

-george