ANGSTHATESWIRLIFUCKINGAMAWAKEATFOURINTHEMORNINGDOINGGODKNOWSWHATFUCKFUCKFUCK

So I fell asleep around eight last night because my sleeping pattern has become skewed. One night I will sleep for four hours and the next night I'll fall asleep around eight or nine and wake up late for school anyway. Whenever I'm late I have to park in the school lot which usually hurts me when I'm not paying attention because I usually get thirty-five dollar tickets from a middle aged parking lot woman named Debbie. I was thinking about how pathetic I find Debbie as she is about thirty-five herself and her job is making sure kids don't leave the parking lot during lunch. I'd fuck her though.

I woke up around three thinking about college and hyperventilating as my grades have been really poor to be honest with you. I want to get into New York University, but it seems it's the twenty-fifth hardest school to get into in America. Figuring my marks are really horrible, I doubt I'll get in, although I made a promise to a girl that I would. Maybe I will. I have a reason now. Motivation. I just don't like studying for SAT's, but for some reason deep down I know I'll do really well on them. I have to, or else my goals won't be what Cavafy intended them to be.

I had a wonderful Spring Break to be honest with you. Saturday night, although quite uneventful, made me feel peaceful and made me want summer. I was supposed to go to my friend Blake's "party", but I ended up staying at Dasha's house for a few hours. She had a fever and was crying and laughing because of her said "delusion". I was laughing at this, but I couldn't understand why. We were up in her room talking about past lives and reading her old journals and things like that. I was glad that she saved a lot of her writings from when she was young, because I didn't. I wanted to forget. I wanted to numb all of those thoughts out of my head by watching TV. It's what I did. Keeping Dasha company was one of the nicest times I've had in a while because I didn't feel the need to say anything. Her brother was quiet and skinny and watched Saving Private Ryan while we drank tea.

This week has been awful. I found out that I have a C- in chemistry which is bad because I don't know if I can bring it up to a B. Maybe I'll get a tutor. It's strange - I used to refer to myself as one of the "smart kids", but now I'm just "lethargic". It's very saddening really. I just didn't have the goals or the patience to try. Teresa keeps sending me letters that I don't want to read, and I've become anxious about school. I kind of want to die when I'm twenty, but people would be mad with me about that. Suicide is selfish, really.

My eyes blurring spinning dizzy light sleep

cya

-george