in which riley (carl's girlfriend) told him when they broke up:
"you're going to meet someone ten times better than me one day, and she's going to be
soo lucky"

at the meeting riley and other girls dicussed this line and its effectiveness in break-ups. "yeah, it'll give him more confidence i swear to god, i use it all the time and none of my ex-boyfriends have called me up ever since"

carl: "THATS CAUSE THEY HATE YOU GODDAMN IT"

carl to riley: "but i love YOU. why are you feeding me these bullshit lines, i don't want to hear this..."

riley: "i'm sorry. i just don't want to hurt you..."

and god came and struck them both down for being so typical. riley, who had slept with several men in the time that she and carl had broken up, was heartbroken at age 24, nowhere to go, no one to take her to the land of candy!

and so carl, and his mystery girl of the future went and had a very successful career as stand up comics. carl was known for his witty use of the word "sausage" and the mystery girl would just smile and look cute, and all the boys would fall in love with her and carl would laugh about it and then, when nobody was looking, he would think about riley and start to cry a little bit, and no matter how focused he was in life, he could never understand how someone completely gets over anything. and he made a joke about it that went like this,
"...it seems like once you're done fucking the one apple, a worm from your fucking childhood comes and bites your sausage off during the second one"