and so i'm going to admit that i was an asshole and lied about things i shouldn't have. i had it coming, these lonely days, but hopefully my spirit tailors can help mend my tattered boatskins

someone said they would trade my life straight up but it is impossible because i am the way i am and they are the way they are.

but let me just provide the reasons for me leaving

- i am very tired of the mundane processes here. i can't lie, i'm not doing a goddamn thing here. i'm unmotivated by the circumstance and unmotivated by the people. sick of crying my life away, burnt out on a person who is so far from truth (my face is coming off, unhinged whiskers, dawdling whispers) whatsh smc

- flirted with girls who love nothing more than to fill me with emptiness. i really was hoping for more, but i always brought up the past and sort of killed each situation. i'm sick of the california crowd, ready for the snowblown tsunamis (helen keller motivation, sarah silverman bronze tongue)

- the last six months have been blurry, much too blurry, so whenever i pick up cards that dasha wrote from me i don't remember why they don't mean anything anymore. but they don't, so i finally decided to throw everything away. i feel like i keep teasing myself, every thursday lunch being trapped into a friendship where there are double standards and not real emotion

- all my friends seem as miserable as i am

- i haven't been doing hard drugs, but the fact that i want to makes me realize something is wrong

-even my old dreams seem stupid. ill call teresa and want to hang up immediately. i'll call dasha and want to throw a cake in her goddamn face. i'll call up blaise and schedule something and then realize he's still a morose piece of misfit bullshit like always, and i can't really talk to him until i'm better myself. still very sick, very sick, coughing and throwing up everywhere, blood sonic burger blood tots blood blasts blood burritos blood limeade,
callin up hopes

god the weather ahs been darkly sickly dead
black pitch black

not waiting anymore, taking action (FINALLY!) and it feels good to say that. also i have to repair my car tomorrow which i hate doing, but i have to do it anyway. i'm thinking of telling a few people to absolutely fuck off, i mean really, just to fuck the fuck off
h
hey
so ill do it here while intoxicated okay


no,

forget that. i love everyone here, all my friends, it's pretty obvious that i'm scared to leave, but with every passing day i get more lonely, and i'm scared that if i stay here too long my dreams will have no answer
i'm done with being mundane and done with having people convince me this is what i'm supposed to be doing. this isn't want i'm supposed to be doing at all. i was supposed to be in canada by now, that's why i broke up with that goddamn idiot, but my fucking homecountry hasn't even mailed me my passport yet, it's been six goddamn weeks and i'm still being refined to my own country thanks america thanks, thank you i like to be jailed and then fucked

i went to the castro the other night and sucked dick for coke, this is what my life is like now, every day, rogue wow scouts level 99 cyberfucking whirlwind sithlords have more hp points than pikagod
by far

the table tennis club has arrived, please greet them, bow, serve them some milk, and take a taxicab back to the apartment. 35 NT is how much it costs, but if you don't have your id, it is fine with management, drink heartily
with vigor

if this is what i'm like when i'm sober, god i don't know