i did it.
i successfully found a way to get over past insecurities
admit to yourself that what you did wasn't wrong at all, and tell the truth about it. figure out why you felt certain ways and if you could solve problems.

here was the deal:
i just lost one of my best friends (who i will miss dearly, i was going to say you never treated me right but you made me those kievs, which i am actually very teary eyed about because i was too paranoid to accept friendship) because i told her i cheated on her near the end of our relationship:

why i did this:
it happened a few years ago and i thought she would understand
- to let go

good news:
i never have to pretend im happy being friends with someone who has tried to give back every present, every memory, every kiss we had again. i was sorely UNHAPPY whenever i thought about her, the only person who made me so elated to see but forced me into cigarettes upon her departure.

bad news:
god im sorry.
she believed in me, she thought i was the only decent human being left in the world

why i did it:
well she didnt touch me for five months and basically told me how attractive everyone around me was and how much she didnt believe in me and SO ON.

another terrible thing:
the girl i did it with happened to be the object of affection for one of my current best friends right now.

i sort of feel surreal right now. i lost a friend who really was just someone i kept in my mind for months at a time but only got to see three or four times a year. i also lost a friend who was completely complacent while i was busy killing myself the first six months i turned nineteen

what to do

its noon already whered all the light go