What section on this test is the most important? I mean, if I were to really try on any one of the sections, which should I try on? "They're all important!"

This was the reasoning that was given to us students about the California Public High School STAR testing. The Standard Testing and Reporting program. The program that forces thousands of students into cramped rooms with bad personalities and ugly faces. The program that makes us the product of a factory. It's the fifties all over again. We're becoming the little products of America to grow up and help our country in Iraq. Which is wonderful because Vietnam is happening all over again. I will love being drafted next January so I can die for a cause I don't believe in. I was thinking of running away from the draft, but I figured I'd die doing something horrible anyway, so I might as well join a trend.

Anyway, back to this STAR test. If the proctor had given us a REAL reason for us to do well on this test, I wouldn't have been so irritated. The way she said it. It was like she was lying to us. I would have had much more respect for her if she had just come out like Eisenhower and told us the honest to God truth. The STAR testing measures each school's ability to teach their students and gives them funding based on how well the average scores are. This is obviously important, and I don't understand why a Spanish teacher proctor who makes less than thirty thousand dollars a year and wears cheap black dresses with white dots on them needs to lie to us just to prove the point that "she needs money to teach". I would've at least tried if she told us.

Basically, I grew very angry with this test and the government for lying about a lot of things. For example, although we, the citizens, are allowed to know how many soldiers die each day in IRAQ, it is illegal for the media to display coffins of soldiers on television or the news. It feels good to know that our government is trying to be subtle about all this deception. It doesn't matter, Sixty thousand kids will die again, and nobody will complain. Everyone who did got beaten up.

Back on topic. So here I was growing very angry with California as Zack De La Rocha sang to me, fueling my animosity, and the idea of writing a letter to the government popped into my head. I found a blank page on the testing booklet and began writing.

"Dear government of California,

FUCK YOU.

I've copied every answer in this section because I don't care what you think I know about shitty answers to shitty literary pieces. I copied instead of not doing because I'm sure each teacher would enjoy the extra fifty cents in their funding. God. You could've at least changed the answers on each test instead of just trying to trick us with that goddamn "version number". I checked. It's like the biggest cheaters win the most amounts of money. And hell, I could've done the entire test on my own, but after reading the first few questions, I felt that you were seriously insulting my intelligence by testing me on something I learned years ago. We need more Jack Kerouacs.

Sincerely,
-George"

My first thought was one of regret. Not because I had insulted the gods of the public education, but because I actually liked one of the pieces they gave us to analyze. A poem by Robert Frost. However, I did feel some regret later on about writing the entire thing in general, because my sister brought up the point that if the administration read that they would suspend me for cheating. I don't really care though. I'm a pussy, to be honest with you, and it felt good to write that. I'll probably erase every damn word tomorrow though. Especially since Dasha was telling me that they send them to colleges and I might not get into NYU because of it. Hah. What am I thinking now?

Calm down.

Calm down.

Just a little.

Change the music then.

Okay.

So afterwards, I was feeling too moody, so I decided to change the music I was listening to. Modest Mouse again, which was soft, and loosened me up a little. I think it's nice that my hair completely covers my headphones in class, but then again, I tried to stop listening to so much music during school because it limits the conversations I have with people I'm fond of. Anyway, after I listened to a few nice songs, I decided to pull out a couple pieces of paper and write a note to Dasha because she was kind enough to think of me the day before and write me one. I was really happy when she gave it to me because I haven't received a note or a letter from someone in a while. You could really tell she was writing it to me, and not to herself, which made me happy. Whenever I write a letter I end up talking to myself for most of the time because I don't know what to talk about. But I'm sure they don't notice. Anyway, I was writing and writing and thinking about her and wondering where we'd stand in a few months. I'm already thinking about how she's leaving during the summer for a month to become smarter than me. Which she already is. I feel so unintelligent sometimes, mainly due to my apathy. I feel that if I had a reason to do any of this schoolwork, I'd have done it by now, and be over with it. But I never really had a goal. Now I do though, so don't bother asking me. I want to create something brilliant that people will look at and feel that their lives have been improved because of it. I want them to love me. Never mind. I'm glad that Dasha, Anastasia , liked the note.

After I done with it, I started looking around the room and listened to conversations around me. This one group of kids were playing a game with movie titles that they played last year. I'm sure they laughed at the same jokes, too. Anyway, there was this one girl in the group named Ashley who works for my parents because her parents are very good customers and my dad felt bad not giving her a job. She's terrible though. She has (or had) some sort of disease that makes it so her body cannot grow fat on her arms. She shakes when she holds plates of food. I kind of laugh though, because she looks like a skeleton. My karma is horrible. Anyway, there's one girl in particular who bothers me. Christine Han. She's this Asian girl who is obsessed with getting into a good college and only does community service because it would look good on her college application, which both pisses me off and depresses me. It just bothered me because she is the stereotype of life. We are innocent as children, and then absent-minded students in high school, drug-crazy lovers in college, and workaholics after that. Innocence, school, and work. Then what? Then we grow old and die. I hate it. I want to change this. I want to be youthful forever. I don't think adults lose any of their youth to be honest with you. I think when they have kids and settle and have a high paying job they feel the need to be responsible adults. I'm never going to do that though. I will always be young. I like reading the journals of people in their mid thirties because they write much differently than they talk. They write like kids. They refer to their husbands so objectively. I want to write and live like that. I want to be innocent forever and not end my life when I get my job. I also want to be a Beatnik.

I was talking to this girl named Caila in my drama class about all of this today and it made me feel better. Caila is one of my favorite people in the class because she is pretty funny and went out with this kid Will for five months. Will is not charming and ended up suckering her into staying in the relationship for five months. I grew kind of angry with Caila because I wanted her to break up with him, but she never did. Anyway, so we were talking about everyone we both knew, and listed both their faults and what we liked about them. We came to this kid named Andrew, who I used to feel was as obnoxious as Christine Han, but I stopped. His modesty is amazing even though he got accepted to Penn as a Junior. I feel I'm on the same level of brilliance as he is, just that I chose to not care about school, and he chose otherwise. But he is intelligent and is not arrogant like Christine. And although he is going to end up the CEO of a big company and will work long hours, I hope he does not lose his innocence like she will. I hope no one will lose their innocence if they haven't already.

Friday night was wonderful. I was feeling particularly lonely after work so I decided to call up Dasha and watch a movie with her. We ended up watching Kill Bill part 1 because we watched the second one and it didn't make too much sense. I was very happy during the movie because there was a lot of killing and cheesy blood sequences. Afterwards we decided to go on a walk, so I took her to this park next to my house which has only has a small playground and a gazebo. And lots of grass. So we were sitting in this gazebo, and I leaned my head back and stargazed, and we talked. I was talking to myself most of the time because I felt quite delusional. Finally I felt very cold and I put my arm around her and we were quiet. And I felt infinite, which is a feeling I haven't had for a while. She laid her head against my chest and we both felt warmer. When she finally spoke, she said she could feel my heart beat and I knew in that moment that I was falling for this girl. And I'm happy that I am. I like it when it's just us, because we don't have to worry about anything. I don't like it when other people get involved in relationships because it seems like it loses its intimacy. I hope you understand what I mean.

On a side note, my dad hasn't been home since Sunday, and I am growing very irritated with him because he is probably gambling and is leaving my mother to work at the restaurant on her own. I also feel sick with myself because I don't help her and pretend to be busy. I think I am going to punch him the next time I see him.

cya.

-george