i just tried writing an advice column on how to attract women, but it sounded hokey and i don't think many people would be able to relate to the advice i tried to give. it's difficult to be as funny and multi-dimensional as i am!

but here's a tip:
try to call your girl either in the morning or at night so your voice will naturally develop a deeper, aesthetic taste. really, they'll love it, and they'll love it even MORE if they know you're doing it on purpose. women really like it when they know you're trying, especially if you're doing it with confidence.

another tip:
learn how to touch your woman properly. i don't know HOW many discussions i've had with people younger than me, trying to be more affectionate but are too scared to do anything. okay, jesus, i know it's sort of a hard concept to grasp for people (i don't understand it actually), but women want to be touched just as much as men do, maybe even MORE so. it's not like in the movies! women are much more ravenous in person! so if you develop a good touch and a nice stroke, you should do fine. don't forget to tease and to joke around, playing with the balance of power, but only in a flirtatious way. if you don't know what i'm talking about, then you and me should probably have a conversation about conversation

oh this is probably the killer;
if you have the ability to make a girl think you are the most passionate person in the room, she'll definitely leave with you. how do you do this? well, i usually do it through compassion, an enormously adventurous spirit, and a sense of humor that few possess. it's also good to figure out how to complement someone in ways they haven't heard of before. oh! this is my favorite trick right here:

when first talking with a girl, start saying things like, "boy is it great just to be FRIENDS," "i sure am glad we're going to be FRIENDS," "being just FRIENDS is going to be terrific," and so on. you know how when a girl does that to you it drives you crazy? well it's because it makes you think there's something the hell wrong with you and it makes you want the other person EVEN MORE! now don't do this too aggressively, or you really will lose her because she won't think you're interested in the least. just be sort of passive about it, charming and confident, and don't forget to tease. i know i say that a lot, and a helluva lot of you don't know what i'm saying, but for those of you that do, never forget. it's really really important.

men are men
women are women
but can men BECOME women?
can women BECOME men?
- gender roles, despite being ridiculous and asinine and troublesome, actually do exist. women are attracted to typical male traits, and men are attracted to typical female traits. it's how we were biologically made up. but the idea that our personalities are different is bullshit in my opinion. i don't think there's anyone that exploits the female/male relationship more than teresa and i do. sometimes she wears the mustache and i wear the dress and that's how we'll get off, and sometimes i'll pull out the bouquet and she'll put out the gun and we'll have a shotgun wedding, and sometimes she'll dance and i'll pour champagne on her and sometimes


DOM
what was the point of this entire entry

GEORGE
to sort of tell myself that i know more about women than i give myself credit for. i forget sometimes.

DOM
oh, that's cool i guess. you know, you really should tell your audience when exactly you're talking to them, and when exactly your writing is geared more towards yourself

GEORGE
why do i need to tell them anything? like i give a shit

DOM
well i don't know if you actually KNOW this or not, but most of the time nobody understands what the hell you're trying to say. you should be clearer in your writing

GEORGE
i have copious amounts of cohesive and cogent (alliteration!!) writing in my backlogs. i'm just playing around right now. i'm twenty, i have that option. and who the hell are you, trying to judge? you don't even write!

DOM
well to be fair, we never really had this conversation. you're making the entire thing up!

GEORGE
true that