done with all the fuck fuck fuckin' around

I'm sorry I haven't written for so long. It's not that nothing has been happening, or that I didn't want to write, it's just that... I've been rather moody lately. I quit smoking last WEDNESDAY because I was jumping rope the other day and I got tired way too early. My lungs were dying, and really, it was awful. I couldn't even breathe. It was pathetic. Okay I lied, that's not the real reason at all. I told Dasha the day after I decided to quit that I was going to quit forever and she had very little faith in me. I was really very upset with her and I felt like crying because I was feeling so awful about it. Yeah. It was the first time I felt so upset in a while. It actually made me want to start smoking again, but I decided that if one day I break up with Dasha, not smoking will help me attract more girls. God, that was horrible. I was just feeling malicious.

There's this kid in my sister's English class who is playing the piano and is wonderful at it. I was listening with my door open and it made my heart hurt a little because I was never that dedicated to my instruments, but only played them when they called out to me. He really is magnificent, and the way my sister told me that he had an album... god, it made me feel so small. It made me want to leave everyone around me and travel the world with just a camera and take pictures and become an entirely different person. Or at least start dedicating some time to my music. I want to get singing lessons. I feel like I've done absolutely nothing with my life right now. But you know what? I'm only fucking seventeen. I've got my entire life to do something. Why am I sitting here crestfallen, feeling gloomy over what I haven't done, when I can start thinking about what I WANT to do? I love Laura. She always cheers me up. I would definitely have sex with her, if that didn't sound so dreadful.

So I forgot to tell you that I asked out Dasha a couple Saturdays ago. It was really nice. I took her to that bench I was talking about at Athenian, which was on a steeper and darker hill than I remembered, and ended up laying under the stars with my arm around her shoulder and her head on my chest for god knows how long. I thought it was about four hours, but it ended up only being one. Hah. I asked her out though, right there under the stars, soft whisper and all. And you know, I really liked it. Flowers wither away, but that memory will last me a long time. I'll never forget it actually. Really. I mean that.
I laughed because bugs kept crawling on my arm and the turkeys were creeping me out. The capricious spring breeze blew softly against our cold cheeks, however. And I felt terrific.

Mister Rice has disappeared. The first week he was absent from school was due to an illness. However, from Yesterday and on, we have a permanent substitute for English Honours. Disappointing, really. Mrs. Poole is nice and all, but she's just not Mister Rice. I mean, we took an entire class period to discuss fifteen vocabulary words for chrissakes. That and we did portfolios which are worth about a thousand percent of our final grade and Mister Rice won't be there to grade them. They basically included our best works throughout the year after hours of tears and hard work. Mine was simply awful. I was just looking forward to Mister Rice telling me how poorly done it was, so I could cry and scratch at my arms and bleed to death, and then move on with my writing career. Now that Mrs. Poole will be grading my portfolio, I feel I will be getting a "B" that I don't deserve. Goddamn it. I even made this very humorous cover with a picture of Mister Rice eating dead bees on it. I wish you could see it.

Speaking of which, that girl Kelly I mentioned about forty months ago cut her hair and it looks simply stunning. In English today I gave her the thumbs up because I liked her hair so much, but I think she just thought I was being charming. Anyway, the other day she was looking through my CDs and was nodding like she knew all of the bands and told me that she had most of the CDs I had. I smiled, because I knew she was trying to impress me and that she probably didn’t have any. And when Dustin asked her what kind of music she listened to and said “INDIE” I chuckled in appreciation. Maybe I will go to the concert on Friday that she was mentioning to me.

I really want to talk about Drama auditions and how the girl I knew from elementary school sneezes like a goddamn phony now, with the very light "I'm a princess ah-choo", but I won't. I just want to talk about what I've been thinking about lately. The other night I was feeling particularly lonely after helping Mrs. Stadelhoffer build a set for drama, so I went to Dasha’s house and threw pennies at her window so she would look out and wave to me. My eyes were watering when she looked out and saw me but didn’t come out or anything after ten minutes. I eventually threw more pennies (that later turned into rocks) at her window and she came out. She told me that she thought I was her mom, which killed me. Anyway, we went on a very long walk that took about an hour or so, and talked about mostly nothing. There was this time when we sat next to a very grassy hill under an un-built gazebo when the stars were coming out. I pointed out the Big Dipper and the North Star, but was disappointed to see that Jupiter wasn’t feeling friendly that night. Anyway, we were cuddling and both feeling very soft, and after a few minutes I whispered in her ear “I love you”. I don’t know why I said it, but I really fucking meant it when I did. And I think she felt soft because she came closer and squeezed a little tighter. But lately… I don’t know. I’ve been questioning my, no, our relationship. I mean, we can be intimate and talk about everything and UNDERSTAND each other when we’re together, but it has to be when it’s just us and no one else. I still don’t really feel comfortable with her at school around her friends who hate me and around my friends who are depressed because a girl led them on and told them so the night before he was going to ask her out. I can’t hold her hand or hug her around other people because I still feel very awkward doing those sorts of things. I actually feel bad. I am going to hug her tomorrow and kiss her on the cheek so she knows I’m sick of it. When I started to write this, I was feeling very crestfallen and sad, but now I think I actually care for Dasha more now. And Laura brought up a very good point with me. I don’t have to say something when it’s quiet just to break the silence, but I can just love the company and love her for who she is. And that I shouldn’t ignore my friends either because they will be the ones that stay if things don’t work out. I’m starting to love the future and fall in love with the wonders that are about to happen. Fuck high school. I mean it. I want to get started on life. And it depresses me that Dasha is taking so many hard classes next year because I don’t think she knows what the fuck she wants to do with her life, and instead kills her youth because she has nothing better to do. Maybe I can change that. I want to dance with her, or at least take lessons. I will take singing lessons this summer so I can serenade her and everyone with my voice. And finally learn how to play that goddamn “Maple Leaf Rag” by Scott Joplin.

GODDAMN IT I FEEL AMAZING.

Cya.

-george