-tired at work.
-mixed up mind.
-liar not a saint!
- need to create something beautiful, prove myself.
-photography lens.

im trying to find music that fits with how im feeling but i can't find the right song. the only thing i want to listen to right now is the wind around me circling my cheeks and my neck and my .. shit shit shit this is all too forced i just turned off the lights tried opening my window but the air conditioner buzzes so LOUD outside where it should be quiet let me run for a while then some silence okay ill run up that hill sure that'd be nice just lay there for a while no, wait, i'd be lonely there by myself looking at the stars - stars aren't as beautiful when seen through one pair of eyes an infinite series of eyes looking down on us cusping us like baby-angels baby-jellyfish searching for the light at the top of the river, you want to reach out and grab them maybe you will one day i will one day ill try until my hand gets so hot itll fall off but i'll be happy anyway cause i grabbed a star no, not grabbed, too forceful, i touched it with my hand so i could at least warm dasha's cheek a little because it really looked so soft and pretty when i saw her today, well not just today, and im not forcing no no NO, not at all, and it feels really nice to be honest about this, it was the goddamn fluffiest cheek i have ever seen in the whole goddamn world. pretty girls exist, but they all have these bony cheeks and you don't get any warmth out of them and you aren't happy looking at them you get depressed but with her with that angel, you know she's thinking about how much she hates jello but how much she wants to fly around new york around columbia and be a little bird dancing in the air, to be noticed to create something wonderful as proof that she made something out of existing...

i will read everything from now on and listen to everything and speak everything joke around laugh around smile around kiss around love around. the sprinklers were so wet and we ran through them with burnt cigarettes dead under our feet but still memories i know still diamonds floating around up there, everyone is becoming same individual, i remember that one night and two nights ago 4th of july independence day shared one thing i feel currently and that is the complete loss of thought and the complete absorption of happiness during those times where it is just me and her and that goddamn tractor, kisses everywhere, i was SICK the past two days but as soon as she kissed me and i quivered, i stopped, the sweat stopped, i panicked, i laughed, i smiled, i sent her home, i was happy!

i am happy! but i do miss some friends, blaise right now particularly, as i have not seen him for a while, i also miss mr. vonnegut and i still need to meet mr. eggers, and i do need to spend time with a lot of these literary figures, but i don't want to actually, i just want to be like edward weston and shoot photos all day, i have this journal right, and i want to take pictures every second of the day snap snap snap and post them in that goddamn journal, i want to remember things as they were and not as fucking photos where everything is so structured and fake and not really how things were i want things to be how they WERE, maybe film is better for what im looking for here, my first day at work work for the book store not for myself not for her but for the future self that will create a portrait a moving still an infinite amount of images juxtaposed across the horizon laying on the ocean surface, smelling the dewy breeze the cold air that feels nice anyway against it that will shout out to future generations and remind them to ask the same but ask the NEW questions that will save us!

it's cold outside, freezing, but not snowing. i'll die in new york.