Friday, June 30, 2006

we also went to ocean beach hill before the main beach and dom kept asking me questions because of the acid and the strange thing was, nothing had kicked in at all and i was talking on the same level he was at. we agreed that it was probably because i'm insane. we looked over to our friends who were playing on the fort and he said (something like), "they're always so content but we have to endlessly think about everything." yeah.

the girls sat in dom's room afterwards and drew to belle and sebastian. alan performed a light show with cellular phones and we were all in awe. well, not jackie, who neither took acid nor ecstasy but was very high. i kept looking at them to see what they were drawing as their faces were still down on the pages. i liked to see one part of the picture and see where it would go the next time i came to visit them.

i relaxed the entire next day. my phone was turned off and i laid there holding a blanket and thinking of good times.

a few of us took ecstasy and went to the beach and laid under the clearest sky i had ever seen. it was completely white and either cloudless or one big cloud. it looked infinite when i laid down and looked up instead of just standing and looking up. i could see where the sky touched the earth and it was beautiful.

my friend troy who took acid saw horrific faces taunting him in the sky.
my friend dom who took acid talked to his girlfriend on the phone and he said he saw clowns with balloons.

a few of us took ecstasy and went to the beach and laid under the clearest sky i had ever seen. it was completely white and either cloudless or one big cloud. it looked infinite when i laid down and looked up instead of just standing and looking up. i could see where the sky touched the earth and it was beautiful.

my friend troy who took acid saw horrific faces taunting him in the sky.
my friend dom who took acid talked to his girlfriend on the phone and he said he saw clowns with balloons.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

*On bike rides*

- "As if I care what the neighbors think," - me

Are we endlessly thinking about past events and past people? Her fingers were always cold and I loved to warm them on my cheeks and kiss them softly but I never got to do that near the end. It are thoughts like those that plague me and whenever I get in that state of mind I lose myself and worry like crazy about the future. I look at my friends and wonder if they still think about their old girlfriends and boyfriends and I know that they probably do sometimes and there's nothing any of us can ever do about it. Except love each other of course. But the pain is there and maybe I should talk about my fears and insecurities more often but then people would just think that I'm just a drug addict that mopes all the time. I'm neither. My world is black and white and nothing inbetween. I want to be exhilarated and excite another person with such vivid and colorful hopes and ideas. I want to learn all those abstract colors and paint my life with them. Darkness comes and grey grey clouds are all over the place but I can't help but try and shine and I LOVE the milkshakes I adore them I adore anyone like that, I adore tans and faces and eyeballs and everything that makes them work, snails and kites and giraffes, working together to keep our curiosity satiated. I want to see mother earth and write infinite amounts of poems and odes to her. I want to do it sober, and I want to do it high.

When you guys think of me, do you only think of drugs? What I'm saying is, have I really lost it?

If I ever become famous one day, I am going to continue writing in my journal at 4 in the morning and everyone will think I'm one crazy guy. I like thinking that famous people are just normal people getting things done in their spare time. I have a masterpiece that needs to be put on film!!!

I've always been proud of my ability to read and understand people. Lately I've been thinking how I could actually be insane and wrong about everyone. I would LOVE to go on a bike-ride right now, but if the neighbors saw me they'd probably think I was crazy. I'm looking outside and all I can see are balls of orange light popping up every so often down the street. Not even the stars came out to play. I miss them!

I'm bored and restless, but who can blame me? It's four in the morning and I can't sleep!

Dom asked me to describe him in my journal, but I don't know how. All I can think of is how I feel that he knows me very well, or at least people my type and your type and their type. He is very realisitic and I am unaware of what dreams he may have. He is wild and affable and full of shit. Our minds work alike and I am glad there is someone that knows what I am thinking without me having to say it. Sometimes I think that I made him up, and when I told him he asked, "What about my house and my family?" and we laughed. That's all I can think of for now. This is more important to me than I lead on, and it's starting to seem very forced.

Ellery told me that right after he left my house he threw up in the sewer gate.

The nights are what usually bother me.

We stood looking down at the freeway, at all the swirling red and white moving in opposite directions, smoking hash, unaware of each other and having a sense of complacency which rooted from the purple and pink sky. My mind became clouded, images of black and grey shadows creeping up all over me. My world started to spin wildly and I danced appropriately. I stood there babbling incoherently, frightened and baffled at my situation. I couldn't understand why my body felt so light and how I could be so miserable. I was unable to move at all, so I yelled for Dom and Maureen to help me over the wall and they did. Home seemed so far away. I left the spiky flower Jackie picked for me - we both knew how it was very pretty in a fragile sort of way. I tried reaching for it as they dragged me over the hill, but my arms were too short and too useless.

I stare at my computer screen feeling empty and alone again, not knowing why I am awake or how things ended up this way. I usually start crying unexplainably around these times, waking up with puffy eyes and wonder.

People ask me how I'm doing these days and I say I'm okay and they can usually see right past me. There's too much to talk about and I've already come to the conclusion that it's better to try and move on. I'm lying to myself, of course, but it's the only way I can try and see sunshine again.

Monday, June 26, 2006

I saw Radiohead live. We were all stoned. No energy!

My sister bought the movie "Showgirls" on vhs and she left it on the living room table. I just realized that all this time, the past 48 hours, it has been there and no one has said a word about it. I must look like one creepy mother fucker.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

I need to find my comedy niche. Last night in Oakland I felt my hair and it felt a lot better than it should have. Saratonin released through my spine and ecstasy all over again. When I was telling jokes I couldn't focus. There was no energy, only pitch.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

People love to eat crab, but they hate spiders. Crabs are just big fucking spiders man.

I did standup today and that was probably one of two jokes that went over well. Even though I bombed, I still loved the feeling I got when people were laughing, so I think I will continue. I was also very sober and nervous, so that wasn't good.

On a fun note however, Dasha and I made smoothies and people were very kind at the club. One guy told me that "you only do your first set once," and even though it was cheesy as hell it made me feel better. He said I had good stage presence. The owner of the cafe told me to be myself on stage and I'll do fine. I am loving this new hobby of mine!

Monday, June 19, 2006

finding new things

There's a spot in San Francisco next to Ocean Beach where the grass is tall and soft and bushy and you can just lay there all day in the sun or roll down the hill like a little jelly bean cascading down a big candy waterfall. It is best designed for lovers, but all friends can appreciate it. It is my favorite place to be, the only place I want to be.

Sunshine sunshine come give me a kiss!

"You're not over her yet?" - Teresa

"Goddamn it." - me

I'm constantly frightened by my own imagination. I am mentally insane and crave attention. I talk loudly with strangers and am impartial at night - sometimes there are nightmares, but rarely, and when it happens it happens and the horrifying images unexplainable ineffable death surrounding me, a black cloud of imagination and worry, tears stream down my face my body hates me and wants out but I can't do anything, I am stuck and cannot find a way out.

God,
please lift this barrier over my head so I can see the sun again.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

I really need to keep my mouth shut about private things.

I am just trying to move on. I am still so confused! I told Dasha I kissed another girl over the weekend, I wasn't even thinking about anything when I said it, I just sort of said it out of nowhere and she got mad, and I didn't say it just to make her jealous - I sorta was hoping she'd be happy that I'm trying to move on here, but she wasn't. She told me a long time ago about the great kisses and things further down the line and how he is the "type of boy you have sex with" and that sex is no big deal even though it meant so much to me and her ( I thought ) and she's the one that's mad!

I mean I understand, I just feel like there's no way out for me.

My sister told me she likes me when I'm not on drugs. I like me both ways.

things don't always work out the way you want them to and thus is LIFE! should i shovel food into my mouth with charm and sex appeal and then take you to a movie and a show and dancing in the city?

save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft save as draft

i've tried messing around with other girls, and nothing is working. well, it's nice and all, but i don't feel ANYTHING. i'm a dead man!

instead of moping around, i'm doing a stand-up routine that makes fun of all the things i stress out about. it's working and i'm writing and i'm feeling good as hell. it's all a lie, and i know it is, and that's okay with me. the weekend was stressful, and i am dying to get my hands on the video camera i ordered because i could not be any more bored. it's fucking hard nowadays without dasha because i don't have that female friend i can just hang out with when im bored with the guys. i am also apparently not the "type of guy you have sex with".

all i gave my father for father's day was a card. i usually get him a mug, but he doesn't use them anyway. i don't know what else to give him.

lets just say it made me appreciate life more and make me think im a lot less crazy than i actually am

Thursday, June 15, 2006

I also want to be interested in beautiful scintillating girls, but I'm not. I feel like I should be falling in love because she has already fallen in love. I miss her, I miss her companionship most of all. It feels like I've lost my girlfriend and my best friend and who knows what I'm supposed to do about that. My life is confusing and I don't know where it is leading me.

Ellery wants me to do stand-up and maybe I'll write something by Tuesday and wow some people. I need the attention.

Ellery found a post-it in my car that had the words "do it for Dasha" on it, and he made fun of me the rest of the day. I got defensive about it, as it was one of the few things that truly bother me, but I couldn't really say anything. I said I meant it when I wrote it and I mean it now, and there weren't any more words spoken about it.

The amusement park was nice. I had a good day and that was it.

Life is better than I give it credit for. I still have my best friend and I'm not as crazy as I think. Dom is imaginary and that is okay. I like sleepovers and breakfast in the morning. I like looking forward to Great America tommorrow. I can't sleep I can't sleep! I stayed up all last night and I fell asleep around 3pm and woke up at about 10. I am so awake everyone! Everyone gets so mad when you call them this late

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Life is unexplainable but I think if we explain it in a way we can understand then it can be very enjoyable. Life is a series of events leading to kissing many people you are attracted to and then trying to pick one out out of all of them to have children with and sometimes you can have children with more than one person and sometimes because we are strange animals, we like to mate with our own gender, and in that case we don't have children at all.

We go through school and work and old age and then we get upset that we didn't do much with our lives but there isn't really much to do! We're all waiting until death and until then we are all working on being as happy as possible. One thing that I always liked about my friend Dasha: She was so against the pain that went with childbirth that she was considering adoption. This statement epitomizes the female stance on labor: it is terrible.

Men are big ape like things that love to go around sticking their pencils in other people's pencil sharpeners. I am an example. Shakespeare is also an example, but I differ from him in the way that I do not let other men do that to me. I wondered if he wrote all his plays while doing something sexual!

"Somewhere over the rainbow, there's another rainbow"

i'm crazy crazy crazy!

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

My friend Krista has made my day very bright. Her name appeared as "Jean Grey" on my caller ID. We're going to ride bikes in Great America and pretend we're superheroes. It'll be great.

adam is a genuinely nice person from hawaii with very remarkable quips about life. for instance (and of course, i have never done cocaine so don't ask me)

me: "man, stay away from coke"
dom: "when you're sellin coke you're DOIN coke!" *slight laughs from all of us*
adam: "Yeah, you can't let a monkey sell bananas"

*wide eyed stares of awe from both me and dom*

Monday, June 12, 2006

none of this is meant for anyone to read and talk to me about. i write it down instead of talking about it for a reason

so i suppose i'm in search of a girl finally. here i go

Friday, June 09, 2006

headache

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Voices are very important to me. I have always been drawn to soft canorous voices that can whisper in my ear sweet stories of childhood and imagination.

Do people evolve in the way they cry? For instance, I have not actually balled my eyes out for quite a while. When I cry now, I'm usually just sitting there and a flash of something once there will make tears stream down my face. It is very strange, very unexplainable! Blaise once told me that he cried like that when he was my age. He was just lying on the couch and tears were streaming down his face and he didn't know why. It is always a culmination of everything topped off by something you consider to be big. My big thing was always girls, and it probably always will be. It might actually end up being toilet paper in the future because it makes me very upset when there is none. No, I don't think that would upset me.

I don't cry often, really. It is terrible and dispiriting and leaves me with a feeling of genuine emptiness. I have chosen the other route, which is buying a bicycle and riding it until you smile genuinely. My life is not tragic, but whenever I reminisce about the past, I elevate fond memories to a spurious perfection that never seems to have actually existed. It is the life of a writer, and I suppose it's just what I have to deal with.

The weather has been nice, but I need a few more sweaters for chilly nights.

-george

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

"what a creepy guy" - on me

This morning I met a kid named Adam. He's from Hawaii, has long black hair, and is interested in the "Juggalo" movement formed by the "Insane Clown Posse". He showed us a tattoo that proved his loyalty. We all smoked and he kept diving into deep thoughts (for him, but boy is it terrible to say that) like how smoking weed creates a fake atmosphere, and how your best friends are your best friends and smoking friends aren't there in the end. It was all very on the surface thinking, but it was crucial that I heard it anyway, because it means much more coming from someone who means it.

I bought a bike today from target. It has girl handlebars and rides like the wind

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

I don't like it. I don't like how she wants me to be her best friend still. I mean I want to, but I can't, things can't be the way they were because I'm in love with her. I hate the way she's leading me on without ever having a time frame for when she's coming back. It's awful.

you're only young once, there's no use dwelling over things that make you miserable

I'm done with despair! It's time to start living my dreams

Monday, June 05, 2006

RESOLUTION:
I walked into my mom's room and I started crying because I was thinking about all of it again and she kept saying sit down I want to talk to you and I kept pacing around the room so I just did that and let everything out, and she understood, understood better than anyone could have. Moms really do know what you're going through and in this instance it is this:

I keep feeling like I'm not good enough for her because she's with someone else and she's happy. And I felt I had to justify it, that her being happy should make me happy. And it does, but seeing her and thinking about her and fucking obsessing about it- that doesn't make anyone happy. I'm just making myself more and more upset.

“You know, some guys just wait and wait and wait and it's ten years they're waiting and maybe it'll happen and maybe it won't, but you have to move on.”

And it took her a few times, but I finally accepted it as truth, and it made me feel better. I hugged her for a long while, a minute or so, because I felt like I was talking to a version of me who had experienced it all before. And it's just a break-up, it's my first real love and I have to get over it. And I know we'll both have feelings for each other, being first loves, and that'll be okay. We'll both be fine, and we'll be happier.

The last thing I want, she said, is to be ten years down the line still miserable and not doing anything with my life because she's the only one I can think about. I kept on saying that it's hard it's hard it's hard, I know what to do, but there isn't anything I can do, so I just have to wait it out, and eventually it sunk in, and eventually everything will be settled. If we meet each other down the line at a party or at a show or in the mall maybe it'll happen and maybe it won't. But for now, sayonara.

I want to meet someone who adores me, and I'll adore her, and we'll both love to do the things we love, and there won't be all this stress of making the other person happy or calming them down or doing anything redundant and miserable that broken couples do. We'll be happy, and I'll still be able to film, and love others, and fucking paint a rainbow in the sky.

(We STAND in sky, you know. I like to think sometimes that when ants look at us from down there, we are enveloped in big blue sky.)

YOURS TRULY,
-george

I hate how I have to justify it to myself.

It's so hard to do though. I keep finding myself going back to her in my thoughts. Our relationship was playful and complex and intimate. I feel like I just spent the last two years dreaming. I forgot what crying was like. We would fight a lot, I remember.

And now she has a boyfriend and even though we wanted to stay friends I can't help but be upset whenever he's mentioned. I know she likes him, and he seems like a good guy, I just can't focus. I picked up the stuffed animals in her room and I forgot who they were. I still feel like I'm in a dream. The drugs aren't helping any, and the cigarettes are finally getting to my lungs.

She was different from other girls - she had charm and grace and a way of laughing that always seemed to make everything okay. I have to stop thinking about this. My emotions keep exploding whenever I'm alone and I can't help it. I drive myself into a corner and I never see the other possibilities. No, Dasha isn't the only reason I'm upset. I'm lost in my own head, still thinking I'm not in control of any circumstance life throws at me. I'm gaining weight rapidly and my mood has been terrible. I can't sleep well anymore, I find myself smoking myself to sleep at eleven just to knock myself out by midnight. I woke up at five this morning, tossing in my bed, coughing and struggling to breathe. It's not that bad actually, but it's still something that happens.

It's not that Dasha was the only person keeping me happy. She was just the only one I saw myself still being with the rest of my life. She made me feel safe and loved and important. I felt the most creative whenever I was with her. I could make her laugh, and I could brighten her day, and that was the only thing that mattered to me with her. And I did make mistakes, I made a lot, but I always wanted to treat her like a princess, because she was. She was my fucking princess, and it makes me sick to think that she isn't anymore. I hate saying that she was someone I could fall back
on because it wasn't like that. She's just someone I love and want to keep loving, but every day she's with another person, she drifts further and further away. I found myself going to her house at one in the morning just because she got high and her boyfriend was drunk and I wanted to make sure she got home okay. She's still one of my closest friends and we still share an intimacy that only best friends can share, which really does mean the world to me. It's just that in terms of loving someone passionately, affectionately, I can't see myself with anyone else. She was really the only person I ever actually could see myself with. But I played with her emotions, and this is what is happening.

So I preach "love your neighbor, and treat your girl like a princess", and it does lead to some sort of misery eventually, but it's just something you have to overcome. I'm not going to stop being friends with her and I'm not going to stop loving her the way that I do because I know she really won't ever leave my life. No one you ever care about really leaves. I still do talk to Teresa occasionally, and I'm sorry that I'm high whenever Blaise calls me, and I guess those two are the only other ones that I'll probably always keep in touch with. Love can play tricks on people, and it can mess with your emotions like crazy, and I think it is best that way. Life would be boring otherwise. I'm still going to bring Dasha a smoothie on hot days and flowers on sad days and friendship on every day. We all have our secret pains that we have to
deal with and not talk about.

To everyone (as of late):
I'm sorry I haven't been active. Dom would probably say that I'm just being myself, because we are always ourselves. I'm just myself when I'm lonely right now. I love all my friends dearly, and I wish I could be more talkative and energetic all the time, but I can't. I'm CURSED as a writer! I still do like hanging up on Teresa
whenever I say something stupid or whenever I feel the conversation is going awry, because she is the only one that lets me do it without getting mad at me. I still like calling up Dasha and saying nothing and having an understanding between us that we're friends for chrissakes and it's okay. I like it when Blaise
calls and tells me things are going well for him. I like smoking pot with Dom and Alan and Troy, and I'm starting to hate smoking pot with anyone else because it makes me less talkative. I loved acid thinking back on it but hated it when I was on it. I am still as inquisitive as ever. I am interested in everyone and it makes me happy to discover warmth in other people. I just feel like a big part of me died over the last
couple of months and I don't know what to do about it. It's hard to replicate two years of genuine love and compassion just like that. It's hard to stop crying thinking about it, and I know everything is actually okay and I'm being stale as usual. I just hope I don't stay like this forever. It's been nineteen years and I'm
still the fucking same.

On a side note,
a man came in yesterday with some coins that had been flattened on some railroad tracks. He was extremely boyish and wore a toolbelt and talked about the coins as if they were the most wonderful things he had ever seen. And the fact that he probably flattened them himself made them that much more important to him. He spoke genuinely, his eyes constantly glistening. I want to find that kind of peace in my life.

Nothing makes me more happy than writing. Making other people happy fills me with joy. I miss singing "You are my Sunshine" and meaning every word, but I think I'll be okay living my life and never missing
any beat. (I love you.)

-george

I just called Dasha like 3 minutes ago and the conversation lasted about two minutes. I think it's time to move on.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

i'm back lonely reader.