This summer is about new beginnings.

I don't think I've ever been as happy and heartbroken as when Laura and I sung Wave of Mutilation during our final minutes together.

But, in two or three years, come see us at the Orpheum theatre. We'll make you laugh.

arizona was amazing. i shared it with the most wonderful person i know, and i think that's all i really need to say. i'm going to miss it.

hot weather and amazing love

I leave for Arizona Saturday. I don't know what it is I'm looking for over there but I hope I find it. All the joy has been zapped out of me!

John Stamos and his beautiful wife Becky are lying on my couch right now watching tv. Coming down off sunshine, I walked into my room and sat down.

I have no idea how to prounounce Newfoundland correctly.

jesus, what the fuck am i doing? i've been in such denial about EVERYTHING! goddamn i need to get a clue

light it up my darling, you have to light it before you smoke it. green goblins all over the place making me dizzy when things get difficult, when i sense myself going crazy again, what else can i do?

speak out more! be more aggressive! spend time with those who want to spend time with you!

i always end up hanging up the phone or not answering any of my calls for a week. i don't do it on purpose, i just sort of get delayed in my head. like for instance, i'll see that mary bear is calling and i just won't pick up, knowing that we probably would only get to see each other for half an hour anyway. i don't like salvaging friendships when i'm only allotted a certain amount of time. i feel terrible whenever someone tells me i didn't pick up and they really wanted to hang out with me. i also feel terrible when i start thinking too much. i always say that thinking is so important, read read read, write write write, but in all honesty the people who don't think at all have it way better than i do. this false sense of superiority isn't doing it anymore.

but in the end,
i'm going to go for a ride on my bicycle.
-george

We found that there was no other place for jumping other than the moon. Mondays would be "moon-day" - Snow White and I would cross Crater Bridge to reach Half-Moon Bay. We'd jump from two different rocks and collide into each other in mid air, trying to hug as we were floating down. Lately ever since Snow White went back home I've been turning the oxygen down so my head will spin. A continuous ringing in my ear is what it takes to get my mind off those fucking dwarves!

The entry before last was not a poem. I just enjoy breaking things into lines.

On a much more pleasant note,

I am in love with recording people! Goddamn do people look better on screen than they do in person























people actually look lovely in person.

the only thing i want to do is spend time with people
but i find it hard
with her -
we spend less and less time together,
our phones hardly connect,
so we hardly do too.
so i am stuck delivering stuffed animals and broken writing
dreaming of possibilities,
learning french,
developing a healthier body,
working on my sincerity and truth,
always realizing at the end of a day or minute or thought
that there is nothing i can do to change her mind
and people are always saying to not worry about things you can't control
but what are you supposed to do when she is standing right in front of you and you can't help but feel terrible? how does one just stop feeling things?

everyone's wondering the same thing and i don't have an answer. it's hard to meet people when you don't really want to.

I stood in the shower looking for something my eye could catch and so as I was doing this I hummed a tune and put as much shampoo as I could in my palm and then on top of my head. As I was mixing it all into my hair I looked at my hands and realized that there is nothing more white than soap bubbles. The bathtub was much darker. I also tried shaving and brushing my teeth but my razor broke and I couldn't find my toothbrush. I stood there in the shower wondering if cleopatra had bad teeth.

"movie? can't we all entertain ourselves?"

sushi with hoops, le frances (i know), and their gang was nice. terror only had a cucumber roll because he is vegan. it did not look like enough, but i was too busy eating my spicy tuna. hoops said her favorite is sake (salmon) and that's my favorite too but i didn't have any. i've been eating way too much salmon lately. there is video footage of me claiming "sake" is white tuna, and it made a lot of sense to me because I was imagining a piece of orange salmon in my head but I called it white tuna. This is just the way my mind works. i'm fucking crazy.


just kidding again. i actually thought it was white tuna and am glad i thought so. i don't know japanese at all!

I do like hanging out with hoops a lot though. She always sees life differently and I find most everything she does fascinating. Yesterday I built a scale model of stonehenge out of corks, and after a few minutes of building a pyramid in the middle, I wrote out her name with the corks and was pleased.

I need to find a way to be more energetic! All mary bear sees now is an lsd user that has no right to use lsd because she doubts his genius. My creativity is all I have. It was a crushing blow as usual.

p.s.
i'm just kidding about that.

I saw mary bear yesterday and started to cry as usual although I was trying really hard to just be straight-faced the whole time and it worked a little bit but I couldn't help it. It was just one of those unexplainable things that are actually quite explainable (I'm not over shit) but you can't ever bring it up because she will be mad with you and you will go home and think about it and maybe mope a little and watch tv a little and go to sleep dreamless and void of any positive thoughts, play with some figures until you fall asleep, the down blanket isn't warm enough but isn't cool enough for the summer either. I filmed some friends of mine and they were very beautiful and filming them was the best thing I've done all summer. I usually think what other people find boring to be amazing.

I really don't know how I feel. I've been listening to some old French tapes I have because my mom threw away most of the cds in my car. I looked crazy, sitting there on the park bench holding a stuffed psyduck and two big bags, both filled with pipes and marijuana and balloons. I waited for Alan to come pick me up and already I knew my life was just beginning. I wanted to tell him to keep driving and never take me home but in reality I was too scared of starting up. Maybe tomorrow.

-george

P.S. I don't actually go to sleep without thinking good thoughts. I'm always thinking good thoughts, things just aren't as genuine. For example, I'll be picking apples from a tree in my dream and I'll be very warm and smiley and psyduck and ronny and mary would be there and nowadays they never show their faces.

How many months has it been now?

I remember when my mother told me these kind and gracious words, making me forever believe that I would be great:

"Noah, you're going to be so amazing that when you do what you were put on this world to do, people will describe everything that happened before it as antediluvian -


and your wife will be beautiful too."

Look at the zebras, honey! They're mating, finally they're mating, isn't this good news? If the zebra had gotten lost like the unicorn I would've been so sad. This ark makes me happy. I like walking down the belly and looking at the rainbow colored fish that glow whenever I pass by. Thank you for saving us big jelly! Us little jellies can play anytime we want and it's all because of you! You and your girlfriend, will you two get married Noah, please? Make her feel special more special than anyone, the girl of the man who saved all the animals, who saved them right with him, who petted the horses and rounded up the bunnies and tackled the muddy pigs swerving left and right laughing all the way through, building the ship when others laughed at us but we didn't care the sun was too bright -

and honey,
I want you to know that I love you more than the sky and the heavens themselves, that you are capable of being loved and adored absolutely and completely, with soul and grace and wonder, a life of endless questions and kisses, under this dark sky pouring down rain and thunder, we'll wake up soon, things will be the way they were, when we were still young, when we were alone but everywhere, when we still saw light in each other when I was still dreaming of future times and complexions we would have, endlessly fighting with smiles on our faces, pulling against the moon and its tide, pulling the sheet over everyone's heads to protect them from the ferociousness of the world, we will be okay, we will be more than okay, we will live again, reborn, the dove will tell us when it'll happen, we'll be there soon, the boys will be awake and when you wake up I'll make all of you breakfast and kiss all of you on the foreheads and take your hands and make sure they're warm, forever warm, forever smiling.


...
and so as it went,

we landed on a mountain top and the sunshine came out and we started our lives all over again.

last night an elusive milkshake angel appeared on my bedside - i was frightened

my dad barged into my room at 5:30 saying i needed to pack - he then came over like a zombie to my bedside and asked if everything was okay because i looked so miserable yesterday. the truth was i had stayed up all night the night before and when i saw him that night i was very stoned and very tired.

then i actually felt miserable, right when i woke up, and i told him i just woke up and i had no idea what he was saying, but i actually did. parents can tell if you're anything.

(staying up all night and then not sleeping until like 11pm the next day is crazy because it is like you are staying up three days - day one, night, and day two. you aren't sleeping during that night so it is like you are staying up another day -

reverberating voices coming off the walls of the sky into our ears - what are they whispering? be yourself say something do it already you're going to regret not doing it you already regret it very deeply, you regret not going to the beach when it was warm and sunny and although you loved the sky it was so cold, the ocean has to be cold for fish to live inside of it. fish can only live in cold climate. this is so weird looking at this bottle ARROWHEAD mountaintops red white blue green we take these colors for granted but when we don't they are amazing. well,

you regret not ever telling dasha in person how you feel about her - completely and totally and without any mistruths mistaken identities true me - nameless and a blank face - you would tell her that you loved her and why you loved her and you would treat her with kindness and you would call her a poet and an artist and you saw how much she wants to be SUNSHINE in the world, even though she does not admit it she wants to touch the hearts of squirrels, she wants to make it so no squirrel would ever have to die, no georgeen dead and mistaken for someone else, a stoned acid melting ice cubes in my drink, look at how they do that, ice trays are so creative, how do you think they get the bugs in there?

you regret not letting marielle and jackie know what you truly think of them while you were at the beach. you regret not hugging jackie for longer and you regret not showing her the same amount of love you showed marielle. but jackie wasn't in the right mindset - she was driving, panicked nervous scared of what was in front of her because she had never seen something like that before. a cocoon of wildebeast - human beings driving around in big domed shaped pieces of metal on black slabs of rock with yellow and white on them. we're clever animals, thinking up color codes like that. (jackie turned on to a one-way street facing the opposite direction. all i could see were headlights coming at me but suddenly the ecstasy kicked in and i didn't even care.

do you notice how i talk to myself as i and you? isn't it obvious that i just wanted to fucking say the word OOZING in my journal? i get excited using words like that. i like discovering words because then i can describe things in different ways and have them make more sense! but it would only make sense to me and other people who knew those words. french is romantic and i would like to master it but i don't see what in the hell i would do with it. well,

i could be ROMANTIC

i could be FLOWERS(dancing and dining and movies and ice skating and - i remember one time someone i don't remember (weed) told me their boyfriend wanted to go ice skating and she said that it was pretty lame (she used the word gay but i thought how out of place is that in this journal but god knows what the fuck i'm doing right now) to do something like that. i wanted to go ice skating with dasha all the fucking time! she must've thought i was crazy (adds to the "not the type of guy you have sex with" philosophy) - that was a joke by the way, i in no way shape or form feel i am not the type of guy you have sex with, i'm a sex ICON i'm GROUP sex i'm CRAZY sex CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY boat!

- abrupt ending

a more elaborate post on the previous:

i met april there in the flashy room with the switches that make fireworks go off. the cookies were already oozing around in my system so i was feeling very nice. she got a star tattoo'd on her neck and she dealt me some cards with life advice on them and she told me to follow them follow them until i found my dreams and i said no no you can't just do that april you can't i've tried but i haven't really, i haven't really tried to escape reality, the kind of reality that doesn't let me use the word tummy because it would be ridiculous. well fuck ridiculous, i'm going to use it anyway! there are so many invisible rules, invisble monsters lurking around in the skies. endlessly endlessly standing in sky

i ate two cookies last night that made me feel amazing

things i changed in my journal:
grammatical errors

i spelled serotonin "seratonin".

last night april and maiden hugged me during their graveyard shifts at the old graveyard.

i'm leaving for vegas on monday and i won't return until friday. vegas is the absolute worst place to travel when you're 19 because you can't do anything that 9 year olds couldn't do. that would be okay if you could do something innocent, like roll down a grass hill or slide down a big slide, but in vegas, it is more like eating at a restaurant and being excited when they have two kinds of yogurt