Scene: A large walk-in safe sits center stage with the door facing the audience. On either side of it are teller windows. There is a sign hanging above the safe saying, “PLEASE DO NOT STEAL!”
Lucy and Sara have planned to rob a bank and are tiptoeing quietly on stage. They are both wielding guns and wearing matching black and white striped shirts, black pants, and a beret. No one is in the bank but them. They creep slowly towards the front of the safe.
Lucy I don't know what all this tip-toeing is for Sara, the door was unlocked.
Sara Quiet, Lucy! I think I hear the night-watchman coming. Keep tip-toeing.
Lucy There isn't any night-watchman remember? They have that new high-tech computer stuff that keeps the bank safe.
Sara (Turns around and looks at her) Listen do you want to rob the bank or not?
Lucy Well, yeah...
Sara Then keep tip-toeing! (Turns back around) You don't know when some cybernetic he-borg is going to come throwing cans at you or something. You don't want that do you? All that aluminum?
Lucy No, aluminum hurts my skin.
Sara So okay then! (They keep tip-toeing until they get to the safe. They both look around to see if it's safe, and nod to each other. Sara puts her gun down and starts fumbling with the lock while putting her ear to the safe)
Lucy I can't wait until we get what's in there. What do you think, Sara? Gold? Rubies? Diamonds?
Sara I'm just looking for the cash. Beautiful bucks money, baby. Find some cute-lookin' guy with an accent and settle down somewhere, god, I get all heated up just thinkin' about it!
Lucy I'm going to buy a mountain lion and name it Jerry.
Sara Hm... somethings not right, the combination isn't working. Damn it, if I played kiss-cross with that teller for nothin' I'm goin' to be upset.
Lucy You played kiss-cross with somebody? I haven't played that since I was seven. I wish I had someone to play kiss-cross with, even if I – (Sara interrupts her)
Sara Quiet down, now, y'hear? Go look around those teller windows over there to see if you can find some code or somethin'. I'll keep tryin' this out here.
Lucy No, that's okay, I don't need to do that (smiles).
Sara Whaddya mean you don't need to do that? We need to get the right combination don't we?
Lucy (Softens her voice, as if telling her a secret) I already have it.
Sara You already have it? What are you talking about? How in the world do you have it?
Lucy Just because I don't play kiss-cross doesn't mean I'm not good at foot fancy. I was at a carnival in line for this ferris wheel, and this guy comes up to me. He says he's this real important bank executive and all he wants is one little ride with a pretty lady. So I say yes and we get to the top and he's tryin' to play foot-fancy with me and I foot-fancy him right back. And when we get to the bottom he hands me this card with these numbers on it and says, “have a safe trip home, now.” (beams brightly; slight pause) Now when are we going to put 'em in the safe, I want some diamonds already.
Sara You mean to tell me all you got was his phone number?
Lucy Phone number? What do you mean phone number? This here's the combination!
Sara Listen honey, you and some guy have a nice little time up on a Ferris wheel, and you think he gives you the combination to a bank safe instead of his phone number? God damn it!
Lucy No, it's the safe combination, really! Test it out, I'm sure that's what he meant! I know a phone number when I see one and that's not a phone number.
Sara God, one of these days Lucy, I'm going to come to your house and hit you with a school bus.
Lucy Just try it already, you don't know it doesn't work if you don't try (hands Sara a slip of paper).
Sara All right already! (grabs the slip from Lucy) Now when this doesn't work, you go to those teller windows and you look for a combination, ya hear? I don't want to waste anymore time, my legs are getting cold.
Lucy Okay, okay! Put it in!
Sara (Fiddles with the knob and reads the slip aloud) 9...14...25...6. Now here goes. (She pulls the handle and an unlocking click sound is heard). Oh my god, I can't believe that worked!
Lucy I knew it would! I told you, didn't I tell you?
Sara Who would've known? Now open the door so we can get inside.
Lucy Why do I have to open it? Why can't you do it?
Sara Because you're beastlier than I am.
Lucy I'm not beastly!
Sara Just do it already, I used up all my strength dealing with you.
Lucy Fine, but if there are diamonds in there you have to split them with me, okay?
Sara Okay, okay, just hurry up.
(Lucy grabs the handle and pulls the door. It only moves a slight bit. She starts pulling with all her weight and eventually the safe bursts open and she falls to the ground. Sara runs in to examine the contents before saying anything to Lucy.)
Sara We did it, Luce! Oh my god, oh my god, there's gold!
Lucy (shouts, still struggling to get up from her fall) Are there any diamonds in there?
Sara (pause)Um... no... there's no diamonds! There are plenty of rubies though!
Lucy Okay, take all of it and come out already!
Sara Okay! (Sara pulls out a satchel with a big dollar sign on it and starts putting the contents of the safe into the bag. When she's finished, she comes out of the safe and hugs Lucy) We did it, darlin', we did it!
Lucy I can't wait to go home and divvy up all the loot!
Sara Yeah, it's going to be nice to-(Suddenly a diamond is seen dropping out of Sara's pocket. It makes a “cling cling cling!” sound when hitting the ground.)
Lucy (Looks at the diamond, and then at Sara, and then at the diamond again, and then back at Sara.) Sara... is that a... (gasps)a-a diamond?
Sara Um...
Lucy You lied to me! You said there weren't any diamonds! You said if there were diamonds you were going to split half of them with me!
Sara Listen Lucy...
Lucy Don't listen Lucy me, I've had it! (pulls out her gun and points it at Sara)
Sara Lucy! What do you think you're doing??
Lucy First you make me tip-toe, even though you know I hate tip-toeing.
Sara Put the gun down, Lucy, please, we can talk about this.
Lucy And second, when I fell opening the safe, you didn't even help me! You didn't even thank me! Who got the combination? Who opened the door? Who played foot fancy on top of a ferris wheel? I hate ferris wheels! I did it all for us!
Sara Lucy, please, be rational!
Lucy And on top of all that, you knew there were diamonds in there and you hid them from me so you wouldn't have to split them! What kind of friend are you?
Sara I'll split the diamonds with you, I promise!
Lucy No, Sara. I'm taking all the diamonds and I'm buying that mountain lion. And me and Jerry are going to go all over the Caribbean playing kiss-cross and tonsil-tennis with all the cute boys with accents we want! Goodbye, Sara!
Sara Lucy, no!
(Lucy shoots Sara, and Sara falls dead to the floor. Lucy takes the money bag and searches Sara for more diamonds. She holds the bag with both of her arms, cradling it against her stomach. She looks inside of the bag and smiles to herself.)
Lucy Well Jerry, it's just you, me, and the diamonds now. Ooh, I think I'll go get some ice cream before I do anything else. That's a great idea Lucy, how do you keep coming up with them? Well I don't know, I'm just naturally smart, that's all, and (Lucy exits offstage still talking to herself, slowly trailing off until she can't be heard) I don't know where I get all that charm, it's really a matter of family don't you say? Genetics? I don't know too much about genetics, you'll have to-
(Suddenly, after a few seconds of complete silence, alarms start to go off. The words “intruder alert” can be heard blaring. Cans start flying in from both sides of the stage, all seeming to target themselves on Sara. The alarms go off after this goes on for a moment.)
Curtain
posted by Gumby @ 9:45 PM
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