I'm awake right now. I know I'm awake. I can't feel my hands. I don't feel alive.

I had a horrible day. I went to sleep around 7, because I was so bored with my life, and I stopped doing homework a long time ago. I just woke up a few minutes ago. I thought it was 5 in the morning. I don't feel like having to wake up again. I feel like drinking a soda or something. I feel like not having to deal with people anymore.

I started feeling horrible around 3rd period, when all these people in my old German class wouldn't shut up. They're these Christians who listen to Five Iron Frenzy. By the way, at the Five Iron concert I wouldn't tell you about, I realized I gave up Christianity a long time ago. Anyway, these kids, they wouldn't shut up. I don't even remember what they were talking about, but I just kept staring at this very ugly couple. I'm shallow. I hate them. I want to scratch their eyes out. It's too late to write this.

Okay, the only bad thing that happened yesterday was during 6th period. I had to write these four songs with my friend Kevin, but we ended up not doing them until the day of, so they weren't as good as I had hoped. Actually, I hoped they would be wonderful. I wrote htis parody to "Ice, Ice, Baby" by Vanilla Ice, in hopes that Trish and Jenna and the teacher would all have a wonderful time laughing their heads off. Kevin sang the first chorus, and got a lot of laughs. I didn't get so many laughs. I just kept choking on my phlegm. I started to feel very light headed and not wanting to be up there. Usually I'd do something like that without a problem. When I sat down, I just started to feel so horrible. I mean physically. Well mentally too. So I drank a few sips of water, and I ended up choking, and coughing up water all over myself. And everyone just kinda stared at me. I think I'll laugh about this tomorrow morning. I really want some strawberry flavoured juice. Do they even have that?

I can't believe I asked Teresa if I could call her last night. Was I really feeling that awful? Cigarettes have stopped me from being able to cry, so I don't know if I'm depressed or not anymore. Maybe that's a good thing. I hate myself right now. Why the fuck am I awake? Why can't I just fall asleep and forget about this bullshit ni the morning? I'm not even angry. I don't know what I am. Maybe I'm PMSing. Ha. I was just making a joke in reference to Teresa saying the same damn thing. I feel like scratching my own eyes out right now.

And at Improv Team practice, all I did was make very unfunny racist and offensive jokes. And we ended up kicking this kid Phil Martin out of the team because everyone agreed he wasn't funny and that he was too much of a druggie to stay on the team. Poor guy. Greg (the captain) said that Phil was probably going to cry. When we were playing this game "Whose line?" (which is a game where four people act out a scene, but are given slips of paper with random sayings on them like "This isn't a lemon, it's an apple!", and in the middle of the scene they have to say something to the nature of, "Hey, that reminds me of when my grandmother said this!" and read what was on the slip of paper, except that they can't read it until they're just about to say it), I wrote on one of the slips, "My name is Phil and I'm not on the improv team anymore!". Ha. I felt like a jerk, but I couldn't stop laughing.

I think I'm going to ask Trish about the whole water and rap tragedy. It was a fucking MASSACRE is what it was. Me hands feel cold. I feel lonely. Cigarettes have destroyed my will. I don't want to stop smoking. I'm addicted. My throat hurts. I haven't cried for a long time. My eyes are blurry. Blaise is coming to visit on Monday. Grace is a bitch, and I don't miss her at all. She's probably getting drunk right now because she doesn't have school in the morning. I wish I didn't mention her. I feel effete. I'm in a constant state of ennui. This is what my life has become.

I ended up wearing duct tape wrapped around my body the whole day because this girl Tanya wanted to wrap me in it. And I said okay.

cya.

-george