I woke up a few minutes ago feeling very very lousy, with tears pouring down my cheeks. It's been a while since I've cried this hard and felt this awful, and I don't really know what triggered it. I kept saying to myself that I wanted to give up cigarettes because cigarettes give me this false impression of happiness, and that I just wanted to stay in this awful mood for a while longer and kill myself.

I realized that what I said about Grace was really harsh, but I'm not really sorry. I just want her to be okay in the future, because she's not okay right now. I have to force her to goddamn eat everytime I see her. I just want to ask her one day, if I didn't have a car and didn't treat her to things every so often, if she'd still love me. And I'm sure she'd say yes, but mean no inside. I hate our relationship. I want to end it now. I don't know. I still feel lousy.

I wish I had a Teresa here to cheer me up when I feel this way, but I don't even think I'd feel this way if I did have someone like that here to keep me company. I don't get it. I can't go more than a couple weeks without doing this to myself. I've grown paranoid. I think everyone (all the kids anyway) that work for my parents hate me, because I barely do any work, and I hate that impression I give, that I'm probably just some rich snobby kid who gets babied by his parents. I don't want to work there. My dad was telling me how I had to because I was going to leave for college soon. It made me wonder WHAT THE FUCK THEY WERE DOING when I ran away for a month.

I'm not feeling so lousy anymore. I just want to get away from this place again. But this time, when I say "this place", I mean everything I know.

cya.

-george