OSTRICH
your teeth are so pretty

HAMBURGLARESS
i need them to eat your burgers

OSTRICH
im working out my one pack for you. itll be two packs by the time you see me next

HAMBURGLARESS
i need you to feed me burgers off your twopacks

OSTRICH
i need to feed you burgers off my one pack

HAMBURGLARESS
do you think he did it?

OSTRICH
who?

HAMBURGLARESS
do you think he really did those things with an ostrich?

OSTRICH
what do i care? i'm all about interspecies relationships. you're just a robot with the head of a hamburglar.

HAMBURGLARESS
i think im a female

OSTRICH
want to mate?

HAMBURGLARESS
how do you get pregnant? how do ostriches lay eggs?

OSTRICH
gettin a two pack. you egg one out and it becomes a one pack. that's why fit people hardly reproduce.

HAMBURGLARESS
i've stolen burgers from millions of fit people and they usually have nine kids or more.

OSTRICH
those aren't kids, they're burgers.

HAMBURGLARESS
oh.

OSTRICH
don't you feel foolish?

HAMBURGLARESS
no, i feel better, actually. i ate their kids anyway, so im glad they were at least burgers.

OSTRICH wraps his wings around the HAMBURGLARESS and kisses her

HAMBURGLARESS
please don't spit on me

OSTRICH wraps his neck around the HAMBURGLARESS's torso and kisses her neck

HAMBURGLARESS
how is your neck so stretchy

OSTRICH
im half giraffe.

HAMBURGLARESS
i'm a girl you know.

OSTRICH
WHAAAAAAAAA????


HAMBURGLARESS
yes, i told you.

OSTRICH
i'm thinking that you're not really a hamburglar at all.

HAMBURGLARESS
im not, why would you think that?

OSTRICH
because of your name.

HAMBURGLARESS
what, krista?

OSTRICH
no, your other name.

HAMBURGLARESS
oh, donald.

OSTRICH
what kind of a name is donald anyway?

HAMBURGLARESS
a good one! my first boyfriend's name was donald

OSTRICH
hahahahahahah

HAMBURGLARESS
hahahahahahaha

OSTRICH
krista donald sandiego

HAMBURGLARESS



OSTRICH
that's not what you look like!






HAMBURGLARESS



OSTRICH
that's better.

HAMBURGLARESS
don't you have things to do?

OSTRICH
i'm in class

HAMBURGLARESS
do you want some coffee? you seem like a coffee drinker.

OSTRICH
yes please.

HAMBURGLARESS
cream? sugar?

OSTRICH
one ham one bearclaw

HAMBURGLARESS
okay.

HAMBURGLARESS leaves to go get some coffee
enter FRENCH FRY

FRENCH FRY
DISCOVER WEIGHT LOSS FREEDOM GO!!

OSTRICH
can i still eat you?

FRENCH FRY
yes PLEASE! ^_~

THE COLD


happy go lucky waltzing through the heated hallways of university,
stopping for a few moments to look at the theater kids contort their bodies over interior
obstacles;;; laughing at the absurdity of expressing ennui

but WAIT

suddenly as i leave the warm warm walkway
i clench up! my body tightens! i am frozen... i walk with arms at my sides, waddling up
the base of mt royal like a penguin rediscovering its true nature

i am like a cat in the snow! |\|1Ce

at once all my idle disillusions of fornicating have disappeared, no longer do i long to embrace an enchanting girl on the street and to kiss her deeply, instead only visions of pushing her to the ground, of hurdling those bodies into the street, why? the cold makes us envision strange things!! smoking becomes impossible!

i see future technology allowing people to talk to themselves loudly on the street but i can never infer actually whether or not these people are in a state of delusion, that they are talking to no one, that the snow has permanently frozen their minds.. should i throw them into the street for warmth? so many bodies

i grinded krista's body into a dumpster and it made me feel warm so warm

stuffy nose runny nose, both types of noses that disattract penis from opening

i had thought of calling, one, who i will call K (maybe short of ketamine, as i am feeling like a cat on drugs right now [this is a lie, im warm and actually writing this in my room from a ~future~ perspective]), but it seems her image has disappeared once i hit the cold.

the cold wiped my mind of everything!

i once again tried to fornicate on a truck
my ???? got stuck to the glass permanently and i had to wait until late spring to get my pride back... never think about how another person will react to the cold! we are all in it together, we are all penguins waddling toward nowhere...

i don't remember where i was supposed to go!

2009, the year to say yes