flaming lips concert was nice
i just woke up a bit ago, tired and sort of wanting

oh it's just that everything is sort of jumbled today

i had to pause before i said prefixes
i know what they are suffixes just sounded better at first okay
it's not like i SAID suffixes

" *wink* "

1. exploratorium

a. we timed our jumps to make silhouettes
i. i tried to lift laura on my shoulders, i felt myself falling backwards and with that my chances of muscledom had forever gone away
ii. the little boy right next to me could jump much higher than me
iii. not enough magnets

b. we listened to a blind man guide us around bart
i. blindatherapy isn't the same as chemotherapy (remember that. blindatherapy is much sexier)
ii. being blind reminds me of staring at a wall all day

c. we saw with our eyes different shades of
i. gray
ii. black
iii. white
o. there was a cheshire cat(white rabbit is why i put this section under white. also, i think it's funny that i used the letter o here. i could've used any letter but i was thinking of you, orangutan) and laura stopped to take a picture of it. this is because her boy back home is in love with alice in wonderland (sort of like how much i enjoy the movie ALICE). i thought about it and laughed
then

d. we lost our stickers
i. they fell off shakespeare's forehead and george's tummy (faggy speak, note dana gould later)

2. pier 39

a. mrs. field's cookies


b. bubba gump's
i. DELICIOUS
garlic bread. "space isn't as good as this garlic bread" (i thought that, can you quote thoughts)
ii. because i always find the need to impress laura (goddamn queen of hair, a triceratops couldn't budge that crazy doo [i know]) i tried to cover up the fact that i've been a bit shy with exaggerations about my life. we ended up leaving bubba gump's (i wish i could talk about this more, i think i will add to corollary i)
and since i sort of trapped myself with these exaggerations, i had no idea how to solve the problem i didn't even have. we ended up driving across the golden gate bridge and back (san francisco has the most WONDERFUL drivers!!!) and though we were both kind of pissy there wasn't anything in the world that could hold us back from


3. THE WRATH OF BIRDSEED
a. fucking leperhead
i. lepers lose their arms. leperheads lose their hair before the age of 23. because i have outwardly insulted someone who used to have cancer, i'm pretty sure my veins are going to explode*.
*note, i went to safeway and you know those free blood test things they have outside bathrooms [why are they always outside bathrooms by the way? i suppose to get it all taken care of in one fell swoop] and i said to myself "sure i'm probably great" and after squeezing out all possible beneficiaries to my cause, the machine said that the blood pressure in my arm was hideous and that i was high in all categories.
this is when i thought to myself, "STOP THE CIGARETTES!"

b. this has nothing to do with birdseed, nothing. i just wanted to say wrath

4. COBB'S COMEDY CLUB
a. MC
i. he made a make a wish foundation joke. it was okay.
b. DANA GOULD
i. of, the simpsons
ii. had hilarious physical comedy (regarding angry blowjobs) that i had never seen before.
iii. made me realize all the problems i will have over the next ten years are not real problems
iv. made a joke about "talking faggy" and how it isn't homosexual to talk faggy, straight guys talk faggy, and laura nudged me on the arm with her elbow a few times and i punched her out of her chair and threw her into a vat of celebrities
"colin powell, it is delightful to see you here in my teacup!" she would say

c. PATTON OSWALT
i. incredibly funny and drunk
ii. heartwarming and in love with san francisco
iii. his style is incredible
iv. glasses make him look about 68 and wise beyond his years

so, in essence
it was a pretty fucking nice evening. garlic bread and comedy, how can i complain?



epilogue:
tony instant messaged me last night asking for advice about life, and since i wasn't home (i dropped off some books to dasha and then went over to alan's [he was drunk and hilarious looking, sitting there alone with an expression of complete complacency on his couch {when i walked in, i mean}]) laura took care of everything. she talked of small beauties all around us (one quality which makes her one of my favorite people in the world) and how we must take our time to explore the world or else it'll pass us by without us ever raelly enjoying it. i never told tony that it was laura talking to him (he called me a sage and a great writer, little does he know how much [naturally this is the case i believe] of an artist that girl is), but i think she got the point across (laura made me laugh by saying that we couldn't tell him because that would make TWO people smarter than him, and since we think we're screaming idiots we didn't think it would help anyone in the longrun).
enjoy life pals
we're going to see the flaming lips tonight




addendum A
great minds think alike. note the garlic bread fiasco, every smart person in the world will tell you that garlic bread from bubba gump's is goddamn delicious
also note,
us endless optimists will forever tell you that we want to be something more than we are. little do we know how much of an impact we will make in the future without meaning to cause such a big stir (just kidding, my stir will be most extravagant and explosive), noticing little things and helping those along the way.
hold hands cupcake men, your frosting is about to be eaten the hell off

1. laura i'll never forgive you for making me wake up at seven to pick you up
2. i'm shirtless, running around pouring this old cherry limeade (sonic burger) all over my body. i did this to sober up last night, i'm doing it now because i don't want to waste any cherry limeade. my body likes it just as much as my tongue does
3. berkeley today

there was a man at the table that told us he knew where god came from. his explanation:

"see, what god is all about, is time travel. when man finally discovers time travel, he assumes that the world is billions of years old and goes too far back in time. so, he decides to rebuild his empire by recreating everything significant about the world."

me: "so what about souls?"

"thats a little bit of god in all of us"

last night my dad poured tea all over his hands at the table.
he was washing them

eggnog and a christmas story
things aren't so bad

(i remember when i would talk like him,
creepething [i credit this word to belle and sebastian] all over the place at night,
waiting for places to puff
waiting for stars to make me feel like god)

what a disheartening christmas eve!!
i spent it alone, throwing money at the television screen
watching the horses race
the man with the french post cards nowhere in sight
so i didn't even have HIM to bail me out
i wonder where my father is
i hope he isn't too stuck

"i saw fonzi all by himself, eating a can of ravioli in his garage."

- someone save me

and here's to you mrs. robinson
jesus loves you more than you will know
whoa whoa whoa
god bless you please mrs. robinson
heaven holds a place for those who pray
hey hey hey
---------------------------
in about five years i will start the novel of my youth, i can't right now because there are some parts that are still too embarrassing. not that i don't think they're funny already, i just wouldn't want to encounter anyone involved to remind me of how real things are

like for instance, when i was sixteen and still a virgin, a twelve year old boy told me how he just got laid and how he was scared of getting his girlfriend pregnant. i don't think i have to tell you what my reply was

"i felt i was like mrs. robinson with you," she said
"what?!" - me
"well, i mean, you're so shy and all"
"what?!"
- on sex

"oh honey, don't force it, here i'll make you some prune juice, seriously, don't force it," said my mother in front of a crowd of guffawing teenagers and smirking adults
"what?!"
- on stomach cramps and being sixteen

"i saw you up there wearing a skirt and all, and i didn't know what to say, what's up with that, anyway?" - the mustached muscle man said
"well, i thought it would be funny, and who the fuck cares if im wearing a skirt or not? these gender biases are ridiculous!" - me
"true enough.
so..."
"yeah?"
"are you gay, i have to ask"
"what?!"
- on trying to make a girl smile that i thought the world of, once again at age sixteen

"you look so good in aviators," she said
"well, you don't look so bad yourself"
"take your clothes off"
"okay"
"what the hell is THIS"
"JESUS, WHAT?!"
- on montreal (okay, though the aviators line was real, the rest wasn't. that doesn't mean i wasn't THINKING it though)

i kept sniffling while reading "a good man is hard to find" to starfish, but i don't think she cared that much. it's calming to read to someone and to be read to, even if you are thousands of miles away
this fantasy world of mine, it's fantastic don't you think?

where you can stare up at the shower head and open your mouth as wide as you can, attempting to get all eight daily cups of water in just one shot

im going to bring up the idea of kids with every girl i meet -
it's starting to become comical, i think, how every girl i date ends up telling me one time or another that they practically abhor the thought of having kids, that they'd never have kids, that they're scared of birth or wasted life or SOMETHING
and though i agree with all of them
i just think it's silly

looking at dasha's father, who we shall call papus (his real name is vasily yeltsin bulatov, in russian culture your middle name is your father's favorite soverign, in this case, boris yeltsin), and reading his goddamn livejournal with tags of "i am apathetic" and "i don't exist", i can't help but feel sad for all the papuses out there who feel this way, and how great their lives could've been if only they didn't take a break for their kids

that's not what i meant to say, i'm just joking, well, half-joking anyway. my own father seems terribly depressed all the time, mystic murmurs of how he should've bet on the cardinals (the world series ended months ago, christ), forlorn mentioning of how he's going to strike it big in real estate, it's all quite uplifting
when i'm 50 will i be just as depressed?

NOPE!

i'm going to be a great dancer and my films will do okay i think. i'm going to do coke and jump off a building and have my girlfriend, saxophone jones, have her ampersands and bass clefs fly out and act as puffy clouds of safety for the long ride home
oh dirty maggie mae

if i told you that you were my whole note, would you hold me for four beats?
no? i'm only a sixteenth note in your book? that's okay,
as long as we can still have those daquiris in the morning

"GEORGE! stop! (laughs)" - on me attempting to down nine hundred screwdrivers at 2 in the afternoon

i drank too much water today. my head is dizzy and my stomach is exploding. in some circles (or so i have read) people die from drinking too much water, usually in cases where teenagers are too stupid to know how water reacts to ecstasy usage. my junior year history teacher told me that in some parts of the world people use water torture as an interrogation device, pumping people with water until they feel like they'll explode, and some do, if they don't cave in, but the others, the weak minded, the ones that care if they live, will give in and TALK, little do they know
water keeps on pumping

floaty floaty
sorry for the lack of adequate entries, i've been spacing out the past two weeks. i saw jordan and that was nice, he's from the seventies. i absolutely adore this character i am in my jumbled writings, he's a dear.

writers always say that to get better at writing you must keep writing, no matter what, even if it's nothing it is always something

i find that to be ridiculous sometimes, as most of the time i'm talking incoherently about things that make sense to me but don't seem to make sense to anyone else -
it's all in the DELIVERY!
but does frequent talking lead to good talkers? masterful talkers? genius talkers
nope
and as many stick figure drawings ive made of former prime ministers, washed up movie stars, and unnecessary presidents, i don't think i've improved at drawing at all.
especially not with the head neck and shoulder area, it all usually ends up like one big mass

trapezoids coming out of rectangles, rectangles coming out of beautiful lips

mystere
love
O

so that's three cirque du soleil shows i've seen now
and that's three cirque du soleil shows i've seen where someone jumps out of the goddamn ceiling and lands perfectly alright, a hundred or so feet below

well in o, they jumped into a pool
in mystere they jumped on to an ark
in love, they jumped into our hearts

love was the best though, seeing my parents and their generation light up like fireflies, excited whispers coming out of everyone as we got up to leave the arena

"Another facet that keeps me in check though is my woman. She's the best woman in the world. I am so blessed to have her. Now, no relationship is absolutley perfect, but damn holmes, we are a total match. There is no other woman for me ever man. And when we kick it, or when she's not pissed at me that I been up all night drinking, then, holy shit, life is never better." - poet bob

running home

forget THIS

(after a morning of deep thought
on university
on bravery
on doing what you love,
i have come to the conclusion that these are my favorite people in the world)



















































i would go on for hours, but the loveliness
is forever

you can never run out of good people

dead tired
dead beat
dead head
dead fingers
dead dirt
dead tricks
dead misery
dead LIAR
dead hope
OPPOSITE DAY!
a chance to do it all over

fasting in the morning, reading at night
caring is creepy is playing
i only think of snow heaven

i miss the day that we stood by the pool and watched the confident boy with fat arms flail around in the water like a windmill. i pulled her close, grinning heavily, (this ties into the fat arms) kissed her forehead (gleaming) and looked straight into his eyes. then, with no hesitation, i ripped off my new guess jeans and stuffed them right over his face

teresa: "i was dozing off while you were reading the other night and dreamt someone gave me ten dollars"

I LOVE THE WHITE GIRLS - note

jam

oh who am i kidding
tragedy is ridiculous
happiness is fiine

after killing my throat with cigarettes and marijuana (i also killed my stomach lining with greasy pizza and alcohol, which went fabulously with my medication)
i slipped under the covers and looked around
my throat is sore
i think i hurt my dad's feelings when i asked him, "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME" as he interrupted my sleep with sausage and eggs. i gotta stop doing that, i should just gobble it all up and shower and get ready for the day instead of getting angry at him. it's just so warm and comfortable in there, like its always been, like it used to be when it was 5 in the morning and i had to wake up to do my physics projects, like when it was 6:30 and i didn't want to get up and fucking shower, i would wake up half an hour later, hair ablaze, dripping with grease follicles, no toothbrush in mouth maybe mouthwash in hair

i'm so rough

TERESA
you're fourteen again honey

GEORGE
i know. they're shouting for me, i have to go. i'm about to burst into tears

FANS
(outcry!) when will you grow up? WHEN?

AUTHOR
when taguchi gets me some bucks,
when jesse gets home from philadelphia

FANS
WHEN

AUTHOR
soon, hopefully. this entry was written for one person, so please, take the hint already

it's frustrating being bobby brown. he can come up with a couple of clever remarks every now and then, but really, he isn't making much sense these days

god i love this description

"Altona (49°06′N 097°33′W) is a predominantly Mennonite community in southern Manitoba about 100 km south-west of Winnipeg and 133 km north of Grand Forks, North Dakota. In 2001 the population was 3434.

It is called "The Sunflower Capital Of Canada", and is host to the annual Sunflower Festival."

tonight we got stoned and drank some skyy.
maureen's boobs were all over the fucking place
there weren't enough chips, it was sort of boring
i want to sleep soon so i can wake up and ride my bike
oh fuck it, i'll ride my bike now

:

after she read me uncle wiggily in connecticut i decided that i would take a break from writing (this cold is making my brain tired. i
tried to get my friend to play love will tear us apart by joy division and i kept saying i'd love to tear you apart) and try to direct a one-act version of the story. i have some actresses in mind. kady brown is the biggest flake in the world (i wish she could actually read this[she's a mennonite]{i forgot it wasn't okay for me to poke fun at mennonites, but i'm in love with one so i think i have some credibility}, she would laugh i think), i don't think ellery would want to play a maid, i wouldn't want her to act unless i was acting in it with her. well
good night

fucking
fuck
fuck- - - - - - - - - *POW*
fuck )) ) )) )) )) ing
f U
_ _ _
CK

So I just finished watching Y Tu Mama Tambien, and I must say I found the movie to be quite enchanting. The magniloquent diction and charming dialogue left me and my lover breathless. After a quick dinner (that I made, it's amazing what you can whip up from things around the house), I whisked her away on my washboard abs as she surfed away into lover's paradise.

---------------
"what" she said
"yeah it's really good, i really want to be like this guy," he said
"what" she said again
"listen, he's going to be extremely charming and incredibly cut," he tried to assure her
"be a dear and just buy me a soda okay? i know, he's going to be handsome and extremely this and incredibly that but-

---------------
are you really making me read this? am i supposed to say it's good, that you're a quite the accomplished writer even though your work has no literary merit whatsoever? and not to mention the fact that i'm bored all over the place,
----------------
wake up wake up
well, do you want to have sex before you go?
um (i shouldntve done that a few minutes ago)
yeah sure
mustache sax one octave above middle C [euphemism]
i'm going to miss you
our time isn't over yet
------------------
did you write this while you were high?
yeah

couldn't you stop?
i'd like to do push-ups for you, if they'd make you laugh. i mean sure,
shirtless push-ups, shortless push-ups, push-ups during kissing, push-ups during sex
be more risky won't you

-------------------
1. what do you think of her accents?
2. whose accents?
1. the tall girl over there, the half-naked one
2. oh. they're good.
1. she's pretty huh? listen to her drop that russian one, jesus christ i want to call her nyetlana previetchka
2. what? nyetlana? *laughs* yeah, she has great eyes, god
1. she's so goddamn tall
2. i know
1. (silence)
2. (silence)
1. so
2. what?
1. nothing
------------------------------------
i'd like to think the girl that robert smith sang about in just like heaven died right around here.
----------------------------------------
did you hear what paul said about that cure song? is he fucking okay?
------------------------------------
hi paul
hi sarah
i love you you know
you can't say that anymore
why, don't you like me? i like you
no, i don't, and you're making me really uncomfortable
i'm sorry, i'll go to sleep now
(murmur)
----------------------------------
(I hate it when you put your leg over me like that)
"stop it, seriously" she said
"what, i just like wrapping myself around you" he said
"just stop"
"what is it"
"(thinking, "i hate the way you are i hate how your face and your breath and your smell and i hate your chest and the way your cock hangs like that jesus christ i hate this i hate this i can't even ) i have to sleep"
"what"
"i have to go to sleep. sorry"
"remember when we first used to kiss? how nice it was?"
"no"
---------------------------------------
dictation:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB
bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb
CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC
cccccccccccccccccccccccccccc
DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
dddddddddddddddddddd
------------------------------
are you listening dear? charlie, are you listening? charlie?
"yeah, sorry, i was thinking about something when i was five"
oh..
---------------------------------
charlie grew up and died
i know a lot of charlies. i loved them
---------------------------------
i don't know what this was all supposed to mean. i felt tragic,
and i think i'm going to think this was all ridiculous in the morning. but i'll leave it up because i deserve to laugh at my self once in a while.
i've taken up the bike, taken down the car

i suppose it would be foolish to just say move to another country if you don't like it here, but i believe it whole-heartedly these days. i'm tired of words but no action

vaporizer
food
NONE beers are you kidding me?
what to do tonight
teresa call me

mr. and mrs. america your son has been very bad in his behavior. he's been influencing other kids, namely north korea and china, to spend a lot of their money on military spending because that's what he considers most important. your son also owes us eight trillion dollars, how is he going to pay that back mind you? he keeps gobbling up guns and guns and more guns. he entertains his pets with football and alcohol, and even makes his cats pay for healthcare. "you have to gimme ten cents for a flu vaccine!" he would shout. can't you do something about your son? he's running amok everywhere, spreading lies and comforting no one.

take a look at switzerland, he's a bright young boy doing quite well for himself. but of course he is reserved and shy, not really wanting to deal with the rest of the kids because the majority of the kids are quite frightening. your son has the most nuclear weapons out of anyone, don't you know what that's doing to the rest of the kids? it's silly!

i'll talk to you more about this later, apparently egypt spraypainted "sphinx ruleees" in the breakroom, but don't think you've heard the last of this

in regards to the ucla tasering -

i don't understand how any person that claims to be against what happened at ucla can continue to fiscally support a system that guards the corrupt and finances the wicked. if i were a ucla student, i would do everything in my power to switch schools immediately, to even switch countries immediately, because as much as we complain about what is going on we still fall into the daily routine of supporting the government that is letting these things happen. by overly paying for education in the states (canada's school system costs roughly half that of a typical university, even if you're not from canada) , we pretty much give schools all the power they need to do whatever the hell they want.

but but but
but i need to get my degree so i can graduate and become a doctor or a lawyer or a fireman! don't you think that's silly too, that you need a degree to be a fireman? there's something strange about education costs, and it's quite saddening to think about how few people can actually afford university. yes, we can yap on about how hard work can get anyone anywhere but can you actually say that when our social classes have been more separated than ever? it's fucked! it's bullshit!

tasering is ridiculous in the first place. what other wealthy nation tasers a student for sitting in a library? oceania does, and it's scary to draw similarities between the two nations. america is at war with terror, for chrissakes. i don't even think george orwell would've thought that we'd be at war with such a ridiculous enemy. our nation is the only one that actually wants its citizens to SUPPORT the war. i watched this news report in montreal about two canadian soldiers that died, and they went on about it during the entire program (one hour). that doesn't happen here, we sort of spend a few minutes on it and move on. life doesn't feel precious here anymore, it's disheartening, so disheartening. there are people here that die because they can't afford healthcare, there are people that sign up to die because they can't afford to do anything else. you're so scary america, i love you so much, your people have done such amazing things, created such amazing art, composed such soulful music, embraced love wholeheartedly, plastering it on the big screen, in novels, in every day life, i love what you want to accomplish but i don't understand why you have to make so many people cry

it's sickening, you know that? the government doesn't care what we think about the tasering, as long as we're not doing anything about it. speech is so harmless when nothing goes into effect. i can't support a system that allows an innocent kid to be tortured and scrutinized any longer. america's inevitable downfall is coming and it's sad to see that everyone in the world seems to know it but us. it's like a cartoon down here.

but the american spirit is strong, and i believe in it truly, absolutely. but we talk from the inner party from the outer party, living good lives and eating good food. the proles are doomed, can't you see that? only a select few can ever escape the doldrums that forever plague the undeserving. it breaks my heart to see so many people cheer for america, to blindly follow america without truly understanding why america is so great. please please please we must open everyone's eyes, everyone, not just us ridiculous students, us rich suburbanites, us californian disneyland partiers , we can't go on complaining and not letting the vast majority know what's really going on. it will take power in numbers, and we must start informing the numbers that matter.

and let's not do it in a depressing anarchistic way. we don't need to separate ourselves from the world, we must unite together, millions of conflicting opinions but still one united. we are human beings, we are people, we are americans, we can't go on living as robots anymore, can't you all see that? i wept for america that night in montreal, and i will continue weeping until our nation puts its arms around its children and lets us know that everything will truly be alright

i just got back from my attorney's office, mr. kevin taguchi, and i must say, i am represented by one hell of a fucking man. when i walked into his office i assumed he would be a 5'6 fidgety looking guy with a bad haircut and glasses, but the person that appeared was a 6'2 half-white lumberjack with a handshake that could crush any foe that got in his way.

thinking about the illustrious meatballhead and how she might react if i suddenly turned into a steely(i love how steely is an actual word) hunk like taguchi, i am reminded that though my handshake is not quite as firm as his, my floppy hair more than makes up for it

date with dasha on monday to get pho, goddamn i am excited about those noodles.

i'm just trying to write about everything i can think of
- my cold is getting a lot better -

laura called me last night and we talked for a couple hours and i kept saying that she just needs to graduate high school and that all of her problems were so high school and she sort of laughed at me saying i was just a 19 year old giving her all this hilarious advice when i've only been gone for 2 years but let me tell you something, i don't have to wake up before 7 any day of the week, EVER, and it makes me pretty fucking happy. well that has nothing to do with anything, but it's still true. this persona i'm using to write this entry has been overplayed by the holden caulfields of the world but i'm okay with it, i like talking like this, i talk like this all the time. anyway, so i told her she'd be fine and that she's stuck and it's stupid to tell someone that because they can't really understand what you're trying to say until they experience it themselves

so i decided,

that when she came we would just have a fantastic week and that i'd introduce her to my friends that we'd all have a few drinks and see the lips together and that would probably be enough for her to get her head on straight. sometimes you just need a taste of something different, and today i got a tuna sandwich and maybe that will open up new pathways in life, maybe it will make me stronger and more lumberjacky than ever, give me more charm, put some pep in my step, all of that

i can't wait for new years

"so you want white broccoli AND green broccoli??"

it makes me happy though, that despite what wrong may be going on in this lonely world of mine, i will always have my ice haven to go back to.

i'm sick of disneyland, but i will stay for a while longer. \\\this sickness is really starting to get to me///

the little boy kicked gravel up onto the sidewalk, hands in his pockets, looking down the whole way home

when he got home his older brother shook him by the shoulders and asked
"what the hells the matter with you?"

and the little boy, unaware of anything right he might say, looked at him with such forlorn eyes , lowered his head, and kicked his brother in the shin

LOUSY

my mom just called cauliflower "white-broccoli". it's delicious though, i feel a lot better after eating that and gulping down some orange juice. the juice reminds me of teresa's kitchen, when i would run across the street in -30 degree weather just to get tomatoes and juice so we could make tomato and soy cheese sandwiches.

these chills make me feel so weak. my limbs are dying and my masculinity is slowly dripping away from me. i don't care what you say, i love reading to her over the phone

so im eating this fish and white broccoli, listening to the warriors game, thinking about how actors are such complex and crazy people. we're so extreme in certain circumstances, exploding with emotion during the most unnecessary times. i apologize, not for myself, not for us as a community, but for man alone, our hearts hurt so much sometimes that it's impossible not to put up fronts at every possible opportunity. i was quiet sipping screwdrivers, always overindulging, that's how i was raised here in california. we always get stoned out of our minds, hammered out of our minds, nothing in moderation. a great example of this is how much white broccoli i just devoured, even though my chest is exploding and my lungs are whispering, "what are you doing what are you doing"

it's hard to write when it's so goddamn cloudy outside.

i can finally write what dom has wanted me to write for ages!

we, being two peas in a pod, both would love someone who understands us physically and spiritually.

NOT someone that is forced upon us by mere circumstance and unfair obligation. what does dom want in life? to keep talking to keep eating cereal to keep getting high and to laugh without any restriction at all
i miss you dear friend
you lost the championship, alan has it now don't you know? haven't you realized this that we never see you anymore

"you don't know what you're saying!!"
- a harp being played by tiny creatures,
ranting and raving with spears in their hands
"don't play too hard or the spear will cut the strings,"
i was mad so i pushed them all into the core
melting foreheads and melting eyebrows

i must be really hungry and sick because i have no idea what any of this is supposed to mean. . . . . . . . . .
elsspnsipskls9

she must be getting mad at me for all the attention i've been giving everyone BUT her, but how can you be mad at me for something you wanted me to have all along? it is okay, i am jerky and fake when on the phone with you, easily irritable when not in that mood, forever sorry when words are taken without a grain of salt
the candle is lit though for little guys like us

won't you play the piano for me again when you have time? i missed the soft sounds coming from the delicate fingers who want something more than any of us can even imagine.

(p.s. can you make brownies too yours are the fucking best. pudding too! - dasha -)

such a horrible cough
"you sound so miserable and sick,"
i know i said, and i would ramble on about tanbark and necklaces, her never quite knowing what i was talking about, and finally i would tuck myself in thinking that my hands were hers, listening to her voice as she read me a story
i asked if she wanted me to read to her and she said okay and as much as i huffed and coughed she was listening, wrapped in my words, me telling her a story as if she were a little girl ready to go to bed.
and as we departed we both said we missed each other, i said bye starfish in that innocent but cheesy way that i do, and she said goodbye and we went to our respective beds and took a much needed nap

i noticed while we were spooning one morning that i was wearing her bra and i had no idea why or how it happened. i sort of rolled backwards to try and get it the hell off of me but it didn't really work, she rolled the same way and looked me straight in the eye, waving her hands all over the place trying to find this secret that i was hiding from her. finally she scooped the hook with her finger, the rest of her palm on my back. my eyes widened with terror as she bent over and started to throw up

i desperately tried to explain that i had no idea what had happened, that it wasn't my fault,

before i knew it
she was wearing a pair of hulk hands smiling
"don't be silly dear, i'll love you no matter what,"
and with that she scooped me up and we ascended into ithaca

people don't even take the time to get to know one another
its all bullshit and lies
no bullshit in our house okay? that means you dom alan and jess

last night was filled with cold chills and heavy breathing. i kept fading in and out of dreams, getting lost on campus trying to find teresa's building, getting lost in the arena trying to find teresa's match against hulk hogan, getting lost in my bed trying to find a balance between comfort and agony. the slippers are making my feet too warm but when i take them off they freeze. i haven't been this sick in a while. i talk about being sick because it is all i can talk about right now. it's all that i know. i'm listening to the rapture again trying to think of long entries and interesting stories but all i can think about is how sick i feel. the cigarettes don't help at all, i was a fool to even smoke one yesterday let alone two. the weed didn't help either. if anything could convince me to stop smoking altogether it would be how my lungs feel at this exact moment. i feel like i could be slowly suffocating and i wouldn't even know because i've become so used to dirty lungs

i know you don't like sleeping with someone else starfish but is it okay if i just lay on the ground all sprawled out and sort of hop in right before you wake up? i'll put chapstick and flowers in your arms so you can wake up bearing all sorts of gifts. the potatoes will be sizzling in a pan and i'll be sizzling with my looks (holding a cup of orange juice to our foreheads, right now i would love to because i feel like someone is tugging my face over my head)

my arms feel weak, i feel it in my chest and legs too. runny nose stuffy nose it doesn't stop. and i just want to write or go work but who would hire a sick boy with wild hair (it has been washed but slept on so it looks like a giant frizzball with holes in the middle) and who would want to read a story by someone who wasn't at their best?

so many cups of tea aren't helping

it's a vice, nothing more
get rid of it

stuffy nose
stuffy chest
stuffy ache
stuffy eyes
stuffy throat
stuffy arms
stuffy legs
stuffy fuck
stuffy kiss
stuffy life
stuffy breath

laughter and love
william saroyan into the night
past that time who knows

he's starting to talk weird again

blaise i need you where the fuck are you

instead of falling into THAT dusty old trap
falling asleep for 12 hours, passing on all callers-by
waking up and despite having a BIZARRE dream (think teresa's bras all over my naked body while she was rooming with the guy who made wikipedia)
i will turn on joy division
and dance my way into a new day

i need a few actors for today, sick of the darkness that has been unduly coming with california

i don't think i can eat meat anymore
or anything for that matter
my TUMMY oh GOD

ill stop bragging about my goddamn hair i promise
just let me enjoy myself a little bit
i have a hard time ahead of me before montreal okay

as we frequented albertson's for liquor and meats, alan brought up the idea of grilling steak with bacon on top, so jess said let's get tri-tip and we scurried in our pink butterfly cart all the way to the cash register (maureen wanted boones strawberry daquiri, no one heard, only got one bottle but if i knew what it had tasted like i would have gotten three), scurried over to dom's bumbling bug to pick up some weeds and then, well
then we poured some chardonnay (the first swig was too much to handle)
the girls chopped up onions and garlic,
we watched the bacon sizzle in the pan, first batch was good
second batch, cooked the bacon in its own grease, accompanied by its friends garlic and onions (doug had to eat liver and onions, went to the old west it was such an adventure)
dom and i were in heaven
the rest of them didn't know why, we gobbled the first and second helpings right up, standing next to maureen with plates in our hands, big smiles on our faces, ready for the next serving to come
we then threw the steak into the pan of grease
shuffled it around and ate

we talked as though we would always eat this,
thinking our own fathers had known about this when they were young,
"aren't you mad about that? that they never told us?"
so we decided to do it to our own sons, and when they would tell us how they found the delicious bacon grease combo we would put our arms around their shoulders, turn on the tv and pop in a video of us at nineteen, eating our perfect meal,
drinking hefe weizen
laughing loudly, applauding our cooks
the boys never really pitching in but absolutely in love
"we've been eating that this whole time!!"

and our sons would understand
laugh but be mad for a bit
and then decide to do it to sons of their own

"i just love thinking about how your friends in canada think of us, partying night and day, energy up, dancing for no reason just because we feel like it"
and it's so goddamn true. dom and i just dance because we want to,
in the car
in the bathroom
in a house

floppy hair together forever

i also wanted to point out that our group of friends in california cannot be beat

im so glad im going over to alan's in like three hours. i am never disappointed by days anymore, everything is so nice to look forward to!!
oh god im sleepy all of a sudden. and i wanted to make some eggs too

"i want to be with someone who is as sensitive and emotional as i am" - jess

i wonder how many people think that, always believing that there will be no one there to sip coffee with and finger through old photo albums, old essays, old toys in the closet, old memories, constantly lying and putting up false fronts, accepting unhappiness as complacency (this was sparked by teresa mostly, whose heart very much wrapped itself with mine)

and i'm glad that all of my friends are people of EMOTION! i had spent so much time hating all the illusions people put up here that i forgot how real all of us actually are.

america, don't you get it? we're sick of being so goddamn UNEMOTIONAL! (
or
in the worst way,
emotional only due to outrage)

i've missed california.
( i miss you,
who am i going to drink juice with in the morning now?
it's okay, i'll be fine )

the endless parties, seeing everyone and having people tell me they're glad that i'm back home. we have fun, we don't have fun,
we sleep in the cold (not so much igloo cold but no blanket when you're sleeping cold)
i'm glad alan has his own place
i love the drinking
i love the pizza
i love the atmosphere,.
with a new perspective now charging boldly ahead
i see no reason why i'm not prone to succeed

(hair falling out no more)

jess sadness
californian parties
it's fine it's fine
shit fuck shit

our goodbye took a couple of days. today was sort of strange; i was in a weird mood. but last night as i took her hand in mine and listened to the most beautiful jazz i had ever heard, sipping wine and eating pasta from the very front row, listening to music that seemed to be just for us (the rest of the crowd was noisy but into it, the red curtains and sincere faces made me feel like the rest of the world had no idea), i realized that i was very happy, and though i will miss winnipeg and montreal and all that they did for me,
i am ready to pass on the grace and charm of a nation to all that are willing to take it.
i am ready to love and be loved, for the first time in my life i felt that someone not only wanted to be loved (and to have FUN) but wanted to love me in return. she bought me these slippers that look like big sneakers (think DOUG, young brethren) and said i looked at her as if no one had paid for anything in my life.
i'm welcoming now,
no longer distant
and though i was a bit annoyed at the airport for giving me endless worries (i lit up a cigarette, but those won't be very often anymore [huffing and puffing made me laugh but feel less masculine in bed]) i think that home will shine brighter than ever before.


is everyone ready to laugh??

my favorite password ever has to be when a canadian girl grabbed me by the stomach, brushed her cheek against mine and said,
MAPLE SyRUP

what a country. i bought four bags of ketchup chips in the terminal (i ate one, one is for dom and maureen, one is for alan, one is probably for dashor) which pleased me greatly.

though still very cold to my friends and family, walking around outside in DENVER seems so very warm to me. california will seem like a heatwave. i loveit.

i want her to wake up with chapstick in her hand tomorrow. i want someone to kiss her without making her hate kissing. i want someone to look at her sketchbook and just wonder, hold her hand and nuzzle her cheek, not talking much as to not disturb the artist

however cold it was outside,
we both knew to wander into the jazzy fireplace building
listening to john coltrane play bass (however unusual)

i don't want to write about this right now. let's just say we found something romantic to do and then found something romantic to do after that. the jazz was amazing. everyone was warm and genuine. let's learn the sax already

sax sax sax

"Death," she said, "is not an easy thing for anyone to understand, least of all a child, but every life shall one day end." She looked now at Ulysses. "That day came for your father two years ago." She looked back at Bess and Mary. "But as long as we are alive," she said, "as long as we are together, as long as two of us are left, and remember him, nothing in the world can take him from us. His body can be taken, but not him. You shall know your father better as you grow and know yourself better," she said. "He is not dead because you are alive. Time and accident, illness and weariness took away his body, but already you have given it back to him, younger and more eager than ever. I don't expect you to understand anything I'm telling you. But I know you will remember this- that nothing good ever ends. If it did, there would be no people in the world - no life at all, anywhere. And the world is full of people and full of wonderful life."

------------------------
taken from the Human Comedy by William Saroyan

in Slapstick Vonnegut mentions one Bobby and Betty Brown, two individuals when put together create a genius, a massive brain dancing and laughing all through the night, delicate and nervous (i wish i had more time to explore), and when they are torn apart, they are shells of their former selves.

as evidenced in what she says to dear Bobby, i feel exactly as such:
"Who on earth would love you Bobby Brown?"

i'm going to miss starfish a lot. i hope her nametag pinned on my shirt and this fake mustache will make her laugh. that's all i've wanted for her this entire week. worry-free laughter, however slight, however innocuous, the best parts being when her entire face lights up like the moon.

i tell her that i love her, though it drives her crazy (i know this already; she has never said it once to me). i like the way she sleeps at a diagonal, pushing me sideways, awkward limbs and awkward facial expressions. she jerks around in her sleep, haunted by nightmares and uneasy visions of those who suffocate her. i kiss her forehead and she burys her head in my chest.

i cannot lie, i adore her and i want to wrap her up in my arms and carry her with me throughout this new journey i will call my life (as of this day and that day and yesterday), and though we have fun together, we are not ready for such commitment. she's already thinking of future prospects (patrick) and i would be lying if i said i wasn't either.

upon her peach fuzz laid a raccoon, i snatched him up and put him in my pocket. her cat has been in heat ever since my arrival; i don't know how this happened, but apparently it has something to do with my charm

she loves me and i have to go home. my heart is already breaking and i cannot think of anything romantic to do tonight. her stories of despair hurt my heart. i don't want anyone to fall in love with her, i don't want to depend on her, i want her to live freely. and we will do so, frequenting each other's lives, and though i look into the future happily and courageously, not spending the rest of my days bundled up in striped comforters and blue bouquets haunts my very being. she reminds me of who i am, and reminds me that i am likeable.

so i will miss her and she will miss me, and perhaps breakfast will be sad tomorrow, and perhaps sleeping will be sad tonight, but there is nothing in the world that i can do. there are no words to say, no kisses to give, no touches to handle. she doesn't like kissing, the very first person in the world to tell me that. i don't know what that's supposed to mean, probably nothing.
she says i'm too serious,
absolutely true,
she says i'm overwhelming,
and obviously i am

i don't want to be overwhelming anymore. i just want to jump on a breeze and have it carry me onward into whatever god has in store for me.

i love fake mustaches and i hate high school drama.
i love svetlana's hat, and i love being called sven
i love calling her gretchen and wearing a handlebar mustache while we roll around in a fit of passion
i love how she thinks about breakfast in the morning and then makes tons of breakfast and gobbles it all down
i love how dreary this city is, hate how everyone (even the creepiest of creepers) thought i was a creepy guy wearing a mustache, but fuck that, the bartender understood.
i hate how people treat alcoholics
i love how good onion peels are
i like how im going home tomorrow and how dom and maureen are picking me up from the airport. i'm ready to come home, ready to expand my life.
hi everyone

i've been drinking a couple beers every night
last night for instance, i had three, while waiting for teresa to come home from applebee's.

she told her friend (and former love interest, BIRDFUCK [i didn't make up this nickname, her ex ex boyfriend evan did, and i just thought it was funny, especially because the kid had cancer) BIRDSEED (wait, birdseed is just as ridiculous. i already forgot his real name, but that's what everyone calls him. and he works at applebee's and well, i guess i'm a jerk to because i made haircut and chemo jokes) that i was coming to visit, and he got freaked out, thought she was crazy (i'm totally new and from california, how the fuck would she know me?) and forced her to have a drink with her last night after work to see what was going on.

so i was worried because that's obviously something strange,
but she had a beer and onion peels and sorta milked him for that which makes me happy.
we drank and played mario kart and i thought i had to let teresa win a couple but apparently they do not fuck around with their mario kart up there. even when i was trying my hardest, it was still not good enough. goddamn it!

i loved falling asleep reading to each other. last night we read this book called "ready for marriage" which was this terrible romance novel that had nothing to do with marriage. the funniest part about it was that her father gave it to her for christmas and even mentioned, well you know what, i'm just going to quote everything he wrote in it to let you know what kind of a man ken braun is.

"This is not about Marriage. Mom belonged to a Harlequin Romance boox club, she (i think it says soup or sarp or something here, i can't read it at all). Remember the book she gave to Val? This is the other one- likely FREE! (i love how he notes how it was free and that she was receiving it for christmas, what a thrifty man)"

at this point he quotes things from the book he thought was funny or outrageous

"Rediscovered love" - p.102
"I've missed you," he breathed against her temple .... (he put swirlies here that are sorta like ellipsises [plural is confusing], but they are more like smoke coming out of the end of the sentence)" - p.120

then he writes this

"He wasn't talking - his breath spoke" - Dad -

he made up his own quote. fuckiong genius

i really got off the phone with my mom just now, and her and my dad are so supportive of montreal, so supportive of my new life
it's gonna be so wonderful
i don't want to talk anymore of it, i just want to tell you all in person. i miss everyone goddam nit

this is the first time i feel like im happy to be going home